Basketball Team Asks NCAA To Forfeit Season

Hopes Fans Will Forget As Well

The men�s basketball team issued a statement yesterday asking that the NCAA disregard their 2003-2004 season. The team also requested that guard Daniel Horton never again be referred to as a �Sophomore.� Instead, the statement insisted, �Let it be said that [Horton] skipped a grade and became a Junior right after his outstanding Freshman season.�

The NCAA initially agreed to honor the request, noting that it had ignored much greater performances in the past, most recently the University of Oregon 2001 football season. Unfortunately, no precedent could be found in the �official� records of the governing body, prompting the organization to request some form of punishable wrongdoing from U of M.

�Strangely, and I�ve just gotten word of this horrible news, so I�m a little flabbergasted right now,� began athletic director Bill Martin at a press conference yesterday. �Strangely, it turns out that Colin Dill has accepted $150,000 from anonymous sources, all over the course of this past season. None before this year. Of course, we will be forced to forfeit every game in which he sat the bench, and to doubly forfeit any games in which he played. It�s truly a sad day for Michigan basketball.�

�I�m a little stunned,� Tommy Amaker told reporters. �But it�s not all bad. We�re going to save a lot of money by not playing in the NIT. Money that can be spent on recruits. I mean, recruit-ing! Yes, recruiting, as in visits and trips and other stuff, except sex parties. None of those. Right, Amadou?�

�Right, Coach,� said Sophomore/Freshman/high school Senior (academic year/athletic eligibility/athletic eligibility � forfeited year) Amadou Ba.

Perhaps the most disappointed member of the basketball team was Senior captain Bernard Robinson, Jr., who was expected to have a breakout season this year, before it was tragically stricken from the records.

�It�s really a shame,� said Robinson, Jr. �I guess NBA scouts will just have to assume that I would have been even greater than I was a year ago, when I was both an outstanding defensive player and a capable offensive weapon. I accepted my role in the shadow of LaVell [Blanchard] quite well, yet showed glimpses of greater potential near the end of the year. Who�s to say what might have been this year?�

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