This Is Fucking Horse Shit

By Bro Q. Fraternity

Dude, some really fucked up shit happened this month. Where to begin? Well, you know I'm an Alpha Beta, right? I mean, you've seen the hoodie and the sweatpants and the visor and the tattoo on my forehead, you know I'm a brother, man. Well, I mean, I don't want to brag, but obviously Alpha Beta has taken first in both the toughness and coolness competitions for like, a billion years running.

So, that established, we feel we're entitled to certain rights, a) of all being that we should get paired up with the Deltas for Greek Week. It's tradition, man. That's just how we roll, Alphas and Deltas getting together to produce beautiful children. It's like peanut-butter and jelly, or bro-hams and backwards hats. It's unnatural to not put us together, you understand? So this year, and "assfucked" is a harsh word, but we got totally assfucked by that worthless cunt of an IFC president, Lubinow. He put his fucking Omega Beta house with the Deltas. Like the Deltas even want anything to do with those losers. I think some of them are even Jewish. I mean, that's just fucking fucked up, man.

Hold on though, bro, it gets so much worse. So I mean, Deltas aside, there are still some alright sororities out there. Yup, yeah you totally guessed it. Uh huh, the fat one. That's right. They put us with the Zetas. The Zetas are total heifers man. The twenty bitches in that house might weigh more than my whole house. No, not the guys man, the actual house. They're ginormous. Worst of all, they're not like the cool fat girls. There are some of those. They're just like a fat dude you're friends with except you have sex with them a little less often than you do with the fat guy friend. So we had to have all these social events with the Zetas and all the dudes were so upset, we were all bonging beers out of sorrow instead of joy. I mean, we made the pledges have sex with some of the really hefty girls, which was fun, but it just wasn't the same. It really ruined Greek Week.

Apparently this was the highest grossing Greek Week ever in terms of charity money raised, but who gives a fuck about that shit, I mean, seriously, the Zetas. What a bunch of bullshit. I didn't pay two grand to be an Alpha Beta so I could get desperate-for-acceptance fat girls drunk and fuck them, I could've done that for way cheaper. Look at me, I'm all choked up. I'm gonna go exorcize my sorrows all over the face of some freshman slut, I'll talk to you later, dude.

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