Senior Letters
Every year, kids do this thing called "graduating." And when they do this thing, they leave and we forget all about them. But first, we let them say a few words, or, in the case of some, let others say a few words in their stead. Either way, words are said, and they are usually in relation to things that you, dear reader, know nothing about. You probably don't even really care. Truly, what does it really matter what these kids say? They're leaving. Forever. They're stepping out for thatr proverbial 'pack of cigarettes' and their going to leave us here, alone. Why don't they take us with them? Do they hate us? Well, why else would they be leaving? I think we really should blame ourselves. Perhaps we did something wrong. Hurt their feelings, perhaps. Sure, we haven't been around for all that long, but who knows, maybe that passing comment we made about their haircut (which was hideous, by the way) really hurt them, and they cried themselves to sleep that night. But we didn't know. Can we really be blamed?RICH CANTLEY
Dear readers-
As far as I can tell, over the past five years, people on this campus have developed a sense of humor. I base this on the fact that during the first couple of years, someone was always offended by the E3W. Since then, we have gotten very few angry or threatening emails. So I�m proud that we�ve managed to gradually pull the stick out of the collective ass of some folks around this campus.
Last year was far and away the best of the paper�s first four years. I�d like to tell you that my being editor-in-chief was the reason for this. That would be a lie. Kurt and Matt, who were content editors with me, contributed just as much, often more. I�d like to thank them profusely, wherever they might be at the moment. And most of all, I�d like to thank Carl. Every issue, my name came first. Carl�s should have. The amount he has done for this paper is ridiculous. Seriously. If you know Carl, and you see him after reading this, give him a big, sloppy, open-mouth kiss for me. And if you don�t know him, understand that the E3W would have died eighteen months ago if not for him.
Finally, thanks to Brian and Amol for starting the paper and trusting me to keep it going. Kurt, Matt, and I passed the torch on to some incredible writers and editors. This thing is going to keep going for a long, long time.
Thanks, that was fun,
Rich Cantley
ANDREW DE LOS REYES
Over the years, my fine readers, you haven't known me as Sharkie, or Andrew, or "That Guy who knows CB," because you haven't known me at all. I'm Andrew De Los Reyes. I know! That's a lot of fucking names, right? My last names mean "Of the Reyes." Amol named me Sharkie and it stuck, even when I was a vegetarian, even when I had my mouth wired shut (hilariously), I was always Sharkie. I'm the man, behind the man, behind the woman, behind the old lady, behind the other woman, behind the counter. And yes, it's true; I am actually friends with CB.
Greetings. If you've enjoyed the Every Three Weekly on the web, it is solely because of my Cuban web publishing brilliance. I have no other skills, which is why I asked my gloriously handsome and well hung friend CB to write this for me.
As I graduate and prepare for my interstellar voyage to Uranus, I don't ask that you remember me for making the Every Three Weekly available everywhere (except in China where they didn't take kindly to our "China has a small penis" headline). Nor do I ask you to remember me for heroically battling the undead denizens of the aptly named Zombie Valley, because that wasn't me. That was CB. I don't fight zombies, I'm an enormous pussy. No, as I travel to near certain death in the atmosphere of Uranus, I only ask you to remember me in relation to the awesomeness of CB. Only mourn my horrific death as you mourn the clouding of your lives from the radiance on high that is CB.
In closing, I like to eat fruit out of a can like a homeless person, because I dig homeless chicks. If you're a homeless woman, looking for some special attention, or you just happened to make your bed out of E3W's you can reach me at adlr@umich.edu. I prefer women, but I'm flexible.
Thanks Every Three Weekly, you aren't funny anymore, but you taught me not to leave my last departing words to an asshole.
CB is awesome.
CLAIRE STANO
I never had an Every Three Weekly nickname. I joined the E3W after the heyday of the handing out of nicknames. Throughout my life in other contexts I have had various nicknames but they are all of the cutesy persuasion so I will not print them here.
I started writing for the E3W my junior year. I was a fresh faced kid looking to take on the world of fake news and hoping to meet people who shared in interest in reminiscing about old episodes of Saved By the Bell, bitching about obnoxious people in my classes and discussing the finer points of Jimmy Johns. The E3W gave me all of that and so much more.
The E3W was way more fun than joining some lame ass a capella group or charity organization. The current writers are going to continue to produce fabulous satire, better than even that found on major television programs such as Saturday Night Live. I want to give a shout out to the other editors Megan, Charley, and Joe thanks for being so damn funny. Thanks to Jeff for always making the issues look so sweet. And a super big thanks to Carl for telling all of us new editors how to do just about everything.
I feel like I�m writing in a yearbook so I�ll close with a yearbook signing.
Can you believe we�re graduating? Remember how much that one class we were in sucked. Good luck with post graduation stuff. Keep in touch. We�ll have to go to Cedar Point at some time this summer. Have a bitchin� summer. My mom says I�m cool. Stay sweet.
Luv,
Claire
CB
My nickname for the Every Three Weekly is CB. It stands for Captain Batman. And it is a story I have had to relate numerous times at numerous staff meetings but it really wouldn�t make much sense. So just laugh at my silly nickname out of context.
I�ve written for the Every Three Weekly for four years. It�s been a hell of a time (thanks for the booze, Carl). I�ve written about cannibals, roman legions, breast awareness, and self-congratulatory letters from graduating writers. I almost got the E3W sued over the first article I wrote. Coincidentally, they were getting upset about frat guys being labeled as rapists. Of course now we know how wrong I was. My mistake guys, seriously. But when sex with an incoherently drunk girl isn�t rape, someone out there has a sense of humor. �Just kidding! It was consensual!� Ha ha. I�m glad I was able to bequeath upon them some sense of absurdity and maybe a little irony.
Writing for the Every Three Weekly has been like a bad metaphor; it never quite made sense. In its attempt to comment and communicate, it only succeeded obliquely, but it could never fail to make me laugh even when I was laughing at how terrible it had become.
It�s hard for an unemployable graduating English major to say that he�s moving on to bigger and better things, especially when he�s looking at comfortable pieces of sidewalk to call home. But it�s easy for me, since I�m just leaving the E3W. The world would be a much happier place if everyone could set their standards so low; the sad bunch at the Gargoyle will understand what I�m talking about when they finally get to escape their comedy morass.
After I graduate, I will be moving on to bigger and better things�that little sweet stretch of sidewalk outside the business school, come visit and give me some change for booze.
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