Letters to the Editor
All of the following letters are real. If you see your letter printed here and would like a bumper sticker, please stop by the UAC office and pick one up. Have something you want to say or ask? Email us at threeweeks.letters@umich.edu.From:
Subject:Letters to the Editors
To whom it may concern:
I am a bit confused by a line in your recent article about Michael Phelps. You ask him "Do you expect AT&T subscribers to settle for having reception six out of every eight minutes?" Huh? I am an AT&T subscriber, and I don't understand how you can call that "settling." We hope and pray for days where we can get coverage six minutes out of every eight! On a good day, we are lucky to get four and a half......
Chaim Schramm
LSA Junior
You selfish bastard. Why are you wasting your prayers on this self-serving nonsense when everyday the television is flooded with news reports about starving children and gross injustice? Obviously, your prayers are needed elsewhere - to bring back more Seinfeld reruns so TV's not such a downer. Also, can people stop addressing these things with "To Whom it May Concern?" What are we, the cable company? Or is it just that you can't remember our names, you suave, international playboy?
From: Mitchell Keith Bloch
Subject: Unable to attend mass meeting
E3W: Megan, Joe Ferrentino, etc...Unfortunately something has come up that has made it difficult for me to attend the mass meeting. I hope that we can find another way for me to effectively join the E3W staff and learn whatever it is that I am missing by not attending the meeting.
-Mitchell
Dearest Mitchell Keith Bloch, of the Rhode Island Bloch's who Traveled Ever so Far from Winnepeg during One Frostbitten January Day During the War of 1812-
Unfortunately, I doubt we shall ever find an effective way for you to join our little staff. You must beat the Water Temple and save the princess just like everyone else. Get to it.
From: Allen Montz
Subject: [no subject]
Why can't the Every Three Weekly be the Every Twice a Weekly? I need to laugh more you insensitive fucks.
Well, Allen, since you asked so nicely... The E3W comes out once a month because it is very time consuming to write the stories, and all the writers are very busy with their girlfriends and killer parties and - what's that guys? Really, you neither? Oh, thank God, I thought I was the only one on staff alone and crying myself to sleep.
From: Phil Drazewski
Subject: i love fucking cookies
hey yeah i really am a huge fan of the cookie. i like all cookies, but mostly the cinnamon raisen. or maybe the snickerdoodle. yeah that definately is a great piece of dough. a lot of people like the chocolate chip cookie. i have nothing against it... i just think there are a lot of other great varieties people need to investigate. to be frank- the chocolate chip cookie is overated. except maybe in milk. man. yeah i cant bust on the chocolate chip cookie. all cookies dominate.
Peace out, hoes.
sincerely, phil drazewski
I'm not exactly sure if a satirical newspaper is the correct forum to discuss your cookie fetish, but... Phil, you really need to be careful. I mean, sure the sex is great, but think of the consequences of your actions. For God's sake, man, one day you're going to find yourself with monthly outbreaks of rainbow sprinkles, and then where will you be? Well, probably still hanging around bakeries, being a perv.
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