An E3W Guide to Maintaining Civility at Thanksgiving Dinner

- If you must fuck the turkey, do so before it is cooked for obvious sanitary reasons.

- Keep malicious comments to yourself. Instead of, "Mom, will you pass the peas, you overbearing bitch?" try, "Mom, will you pass the peas?" while spelling "Overbearing Bitch" with the mashed potatoes on your plate.

- Remain calm if one of the dishes is unpalatable. Model yourself after the ultimate eloquence of the British and quietly have your mother executed after the meal.

- When asked why you yet again do not have a girlfriend/boyfriend to bring home, tell your parents that you're sorry, but you do have several illegitimate grandchildren dying to meet them.

- Make mom feel special for all of her hard work: Use the fancy T.V. trays and let her hold the remote, (obviously, only after taking the batteries out.)

- Thanksgiving is exactly like Prison: kick someone's ass in the first ten minutes or you'll wind up a bitch for the rest of the meal.

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