God Requests He No Longer Be Affiliated With Notre Dame Athletics
SOUTH BEND, IN � In a move sure to turn heads in both the NCAA and Catholic Church, God Himself has requested that he no longer be affiliated with the Fighting Irish athletic program, citing the fact that they�re �stupid bad.�God�s cited the program�s staggering lack of recent success as the impetus. �You know, I�m God. I�m supposed to be infallible and all that, and how can I keep up My reputation if �My� hockey team is getting its collective ass blown out every night by some fucking chump heathen secular school? How would you feel?�
The football team also found itself on the losing end of the Lord�s ire. �Look. I parted the sea. I stopped the sun. I fucking created humanity. How does it look when this God-awful football team decides to get their shit kicked in against those convict, devil-worshippers at Southern Cal? Shouldn�t I be a warrior for the good? I mean, I made the God-damned Earth.�
The proclamation, which could only be translated by University of Michigan hockey superstud T.J. (The Jesus) Hensick, was handed down straight from God�s brain last Thursday at approximately 9:00 AM.
Said Hensick, �He told me that he had to bypass the normal lines of communication in the Catholic Church, what with Pope John Paul II being so ill. The rest of the diocese had that thing to deal with, and I guess He thought I could act the quickest. So, I did what anyone would do when channeling a Heavenly being before their 9:00 Religion class. I skipped. I mean, come in, He IS God.�
As of now, Notre Dame has no plans for a replacement deity, but Allah, Buddah, and alum Regis Philbin are all reportedly making strong pushes.
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