Why Isn�t This Sweet New iPod Getting Me More Tail?

By
Tim Thunderburg,
graduate student

Dear Hotties of the Michigan Community,

I, Tim Thunderburg, stay home most Friday and Saturday nights. Although this is partly because my VCR is broken and I don�t want to miss TGIF, mostly it is because I, Tim �Days of Thunder�burg, don�t have much luck with the ladies. After much reflection, I figured out why: I, Tim �The Tool Man� Thunderburg, lacked the appropriate accessories.

After this epiphany, I immediately set out to find the missing link in Big Tim Thunderburg�s chain reaction of love, but have met with only mixed success. The following is a list of hip accessories, gleamed from campus and popular media, that failed to help me score: a barb-wire tattoo on my bicep, Axe Body Spray, a cane, being on a reality television show, a 1995 Geo Metro, and a pair of pink Ugg boots.

But last week I, Tim �El Muchacho� Thunderburg, found the perfect accessory, the one that would lead me out of TGIF and into the promised land: a sweet new iPod. However, a sweet new iPod is not cheap, so first I tried using my old, yellow AM/FM headset as a substitute. Warm ears, cool drive-time oldies, but no ladies. So I, Tim �Don�t Steal My Thunder�burg, broke down, sold the Geo, and bought a sweet new iPod.

Immediately, I set about loading all of my hottest tunes into its smooth, silvery body, and creating a set of playlists sure to impress all the young coeds who I, Tim �Click Wheel� Thunderburg, was about to woo:

-Sweet Walking to Class Mix (Styx Greatest Hits, misc. Def Leppard)

-Sweet Studying in Coffeeshop Mix (misc. Kansas, Boston)

-Sweet Back at My Place Mix (Loverboy, Theme from Rocky)

-Sweet Morning After Mix (Foreigner, Journey, John Mayer)

Seriously, these are arguably the best compilations since Now That�s What I Call Music 11. But ladies, there seems to be a problem. I, Tim Thunder-�and lightning�-burg, have been all over campus with my sweet new iPod for the past week and a half, and not one of you has approached me.

�Oh my,� I had expected you say, �Is that �Hot Blooded� by Foreigner you�re listening to?� (I�ve been keeping the volume extra loud so you could hear as we brushed past each other on the Diag.)

I would nod, and gaze sexily at you from behind my Ray-Ban�s. Then you would nibble on Tim �I�m Too Sexy� Thunderburg�s earlobe, being careful not to get any saliva on my new earbuds. After several minutes, I would silently break away and stroll off into your dreams, failing to turn around even when you hit me, Tim �Cold as Ice� Thunderburg, in the back of the head with your panties.

But perhaps Foreigner isn�t quite your style, or maybe I was too into the first few tracks on Monster Ballads to notice when you threw yourself at me. In any case, I, Tim �Operation: Rocking and Rolling� Thunderburg, will be at Espresso Royale on State St. next Friday, ready to share my sweet new iPod � and my soul � with you.

I�m gonna need the left earbud, though...unpleasant incident with a Q-tip and my right ear when I was six...twenty-six. But it�s a long story, baby, and one best told over a cappuccino and some R.E.O. Speedwagon. Oh, and can you tape TGIF for me? Sweet. I�ll be the stud with the barbwire tattoo and pink Ugg boots. Blind hotties are welcome, too...just follow the trail of Axe Body Spray.

See you soon,

Tim �The Man� Thunderburg

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