The Obligatory E3W Advice Column
The strain of going to college is really beginning to take a toll on my wallet. Tuition prices have risen 13% since last semester and it seems that my textbooks are getting more and more expensive every year. When you add that to the upward spiral of gas prices, it becomes too much for a poor college student to bear. Please tell me how I can stretch my meager dollars further.
Kevin McGillan, LS&A '07
This month's response from: Rancid Bob, a Liberty St. Hobo
Cans, my boy! Sweet, glorious cans! You silly kids just throw those things away when you're walking down the Diag, every day. Well, let me tell you something, under the used condoms, the discarded copies of the Gideon's Bibles, and your delicious leftover breakfast is a layer of pure gold. And that gold is the yellow fi lm from the vomit that settles on the cans. And when you buy booze with your cans, you get more cans, which will start the process all over again. Maybe you little math shits can write a proof about that.
Anyway, what are you doing bothering to pay "living expenses" for, anyway? Find yourself a nice storefront or cardboard box and you've got instant student apartment. All you need are some pizza boxes to throw around and you'll never notice the difference. Sure, it'll start to smell like piss, but how's that any different than living with a roommate who doesn't shower for a week? At least you don't have to share the room, and you can always take a bath in the fountain in front of the League. Just remember Thoreau's motto "Simplify, simplify, simplify." Or, if you don't like that, my Dad always used to tell me "It's cheaper to live in a piss-smelling box than a pisss m e l l i n g apar tment that costs 500 dollars a month"
Just think of the freedom of movement you'll have! Sitting all day in the middle of a bustling downtown, you get to experience all the goings-on of our delightful little city. You can harass the passer-bys for spare change. Make sure to smear some shit on your face or cut off some limbs to make yourself look extra pathetic. Remember, the worse you smell, the less someone is able to think about telling you "no." Your incessant whining should snatch some money from those bleeding-heart liberal pussies. Eventually, though, everyone will get sick of you, and you'll have to fi nd a new place to beg a living. If the times get really tough, you can always offer to suck dick for a nickel a pop in front of the Michigan Theater.
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