Eagles Hire Communication Expert To Mediate Contract Dispute

Seventh Grade Girl To Employ Dirty Looks, Yes/No/Maybe Boxes

PHILADELPHIA, PA--Eagles fans and Terrell Owens' fantasy football owners breathed a collective sigh of relief Tuesday, as seemingly jovial--but not actually that jovial--coach Andy Reid announced he had put an end to the disruptive feud between the star wideout and All-Pro quarterback Donovan McNabb.

Though the two perennial pro-bowlers still have no plans to be adults and speak directly to on another, Reid is confident that communication consultant Missy Greene, a seventh grader from James Woods Middle School, can serve as an effective go-between.

"Missy has an illustrious career record of conducting 187 get-togethers with only eleven resulting in breakups or the occasional hair-pulling--a James Woods Middle School record," said Reid. "She'll be a vital asset to these negotiations, not only for her skills at peace-keeping, but also because I hear she's bringing her copy of Lilo & Stich 2, which I've been meaning to see for a while now."

Although Reid did not disclose financial details of the deal, it can be assumed Greene will no longer be forced to rely on the barter system at lunchtime to acquire her own Dunk-a-Roos and Capri Suns.

Not everyone in the Eagles organization, most notably Terrell Owens, believes Greene deserves such a lucrative contract. "What T.O. needs is a new contract, not some damn little girl," said Owens. "T.O. doesn't need anyone but T.O. It's like I always say, 'T.O. T.O. T.O. T.O. T.O. T.O.' And how can we trust someone that doesn't even have the good sense to trade for fruit snacks?"

Greene's communication prowess attracted national attention, leading Bob Murphy, owner and operator of SuperRecruits.com, the nation's foremost communication consultant ratings network, to rank her as a blue chip prospect. "Jumping to the NFL after seventh grade might seem premature," said Murphy, "but believe me, this kid is ready. She's the best five-tool prospect I've ever seen: she has the note-passing/creation ability of Principal Max Anderson, penmanship that would make master calligraphers cry, Tom Brady-esque composure under pressure, and the straight line speed of B.J. Askew."

Despite all of her physical gifts, some have questioned if Greene is mentally prepared for the NFL. At the press conference announcing her acquisition, Greene interrupted reporters several times to send and read text messages on her cell phone, and at one point even brought a friend on stage to whisper with excitedly. "You think Andy is cute?" said Greene, as her friend blushed and looked at Coach Reid. "Ewwwww!!!"

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