Delay Steals Lollipop from Toddler

Majority Leader Indicted For Petty Theft, Heing a Poophead

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Adding to Delay's extensive record of ethics violations and general douchebaggery, Texas Prosecutor Ronnie Earl recently indicted House Majority Leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay on several serious charges.

"We have evidence that Mr. Delay is directly responsible for the theft of a large lollipop from the feeble grasp of a wide-eyed toddler," said Earl. "His callousness has forced the state to charge him with one count of petty theft and second degree poopyheadetry. In the clusterfuck of Texas politics, millions are stolen every day, but the theft of a young child's lollipop can not and will not go unpunished."

Witnesses for the prosecution will testify that the child and her mother were robbed by an white man fitting Delay's description, wearing a "Liberals Dismember Adorable Kittens" button and toting a musket. After stealing the child's sucker, a treat she received for being such a good girl at the doctor's office, the assailant stole the mother's right to an abortion, drilled an oil well in the Alaskan wilderness, and drove off in a nearby Hummer.

"These charges are the result of collusion between a renegade district attorney and a radically liberal child to defraud myself, The Hammer," said Delay. "The allegations are absolutely baseless. For instance, I do not, nor have I ever, owned a brown Winchester model 1885 Low-wall chambered in .22 with optional scope or a 'Liberals Dismember Adorable Kittens' button. Any intelligent person clued in on the liberal conspiracy knows that those Green Party bastards hold no ill feelings towards baby kittens. Instead, they like to toke up while raping puppies and discussing the merits of socialized medicine. Furthermore, I resent the accusation that I am a 'poopyhead,' notwithstanding that one day in 1973 involving several tabs of acid and a circus clown."

Added Delay, "The Hammer doesn't talk about the '70s anymore."

Though the charge of theft will most likely hold, the abstract charge of poopyheadism has forced Earl to search for character witnesses from all across Texas. "That guy was a poopyhead to us, too," recalls Delay's neighbor Scott Mortenson, age nine. "Me and my friend Jamie were playing Frisbee when I accidentally threw it over his fence. He peed on it, threw it on a fire, fed it to his dog, then stapled an aborted fetus to it and threw it back to us. He told us it should've been us because our parents voted Democrat. He hit Jamie in the head with a Bible and told mommy to roast in a pit of hellfire and bad Chuck Norris movies."

Prosecution will also call character witnesses who knew Delay in his formative college years. "Oh, do you mean Shithead? Yeah, I remember him," said Delay's University of Houston roommate Paul Allen. "He would keep telling us about the word of God and eternal damnation, which is a total bummer during beer pong."

Responding to recent claims that these charges are fabrications of political partisanship, Earl responded, "Torturing the children of this country like they were Iraqi citizens is a completely non-partisan crime. This is all in the pursuit of justice. Democrats 2008."

Delay could face fines up to $50,000 and two months in the time-out chair.

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