U.S. Pulls Out Of Versailles Treaty

President Declares World War I “Back On”

WASHINGTON, D.C.--President Bush pulled out of the Treaty of Versailles Tuesday, reinforcing the hard-line approach of the current U.S. administration and reverting to a tactic known for producing semen-covered stomachs 73% of the time and life-ruining child-support payments 27% of the time.

"The terms of the agreement are unacceptable," declared the President, who said that, although the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand occurred ninety-one years ago and was propagated by a government no longer in existence, the act remains an "unprovoked act of global terrorism."

"My administration will not kowtow to the Ottoman Empire," said Bush, who plans to launch a full scale bombing campaign "as soon as Orville and Wilbur Wright invent the plane."

The decision has received strong backing from the international community, who have been waiting to condemn Germany again, with or without a valid reason, for over fifty years. The French, meanwhile, have already surrendered.

Despite the unusually strong showing of international support, many Americans--especially anyone who passed ninth grade history--are befuddled as to how the President plans on pulling out of a treaty that the U.S. never signed.

"We can't get bogged down by our own hesitation," said the President. "Do you think the Kaiser Wilhelm or his Nazi socialist dogs care whether we signed the treaty?"

Bush reassured the citizens of the United States that his decision was just, saying that Germany contained "several million pounds of mustard gas, barbed wire, and semi-automatic weapons capabilities, including the recently developed Mauser rifle, and several muzzle-loading cannons capable of reaching up to two-hundred yards, all with the intent to use them against our doughboys in the trenches."

The administration is also mulling over the Treaty of Ghent, the Treaty of Tordesillas, the First through Third Geneva Conventions, and the Boxer Protocol--which the President believes "did not do enough to stop the opium trade, open up ports for the free exchange of textiles and exotic fabrics, or make sufficient demands for reparations for the deaths of American Catholic missionaries serving in the Far East."

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