The Obligatory Advice Column
Dear E3W Advisor,
I'm about to ship off to Iraq, and I'm very nervous. You seem to know a lot about combat; can you give me any survival tips?
Sincerely,
Trembling in Topeka
This Month's Response From:
Stuart Traugh
Computer Science Senior
College of Engineering
Trembling in Topeka, You were correct in assuming I have considerable knowledge of the art of combat. This is due mainly to my superhuman strength, (for my foxy lady readers, that's a +4 modifi er to STR as of yesterday), as well as my complete lack of compassion for my enemies, be they Iraqis or cave-dwelling kobolds.
But, as I have oft heard my humanoid friends say, "the best offense is a good defense." To that extent, I'd advise you to immediately procure a decent-quality Amulet of Protection. If possible, try to fi nd one with additional elemental resistance (preferably fi re, since Iraq is quite hot). Check your local Merchants, or simply go out into the fi eld and kill some wyverns--they often drop amulets, but I'm sure that goes without saying.
Once you arrive at your destination, you're going to have to adapt to the specifi c diffi culties of urban combat. (Not to mention you'll frequently be asked to leave your computer and interact with actual people, possibly even women of the non-mystical persuasion--the horror!) The most important thing is that you have high Charisma, since you'll be dealing with plenty of Inn Keepers and Weapon Merchants. To make sure they don't rip you off and leave you with far fewer Gold Pieces than you'll need to get by, use Charm (but only if you can fi nd a scroll of it). You may also consider using the Quilt of Quebec, which will make you appear Canadian. Canadians get +2 to CHA automatically, plus a ton of hangover resistance, but they are only intelligible by those who speak their sub-dialect of Common.
Iraqis are very diffi cult enemies. They come with a racial immunity to all Transformation Magic, high Fire Resistance, not to mention a strong Group Bonus when they congregate. I have heard their Stealth ability makes them incredibly diffi cult to track at night. Also... they can fl y. For all these reasons, you're going to need a good ranged weapon. I'd recommend a Crossbow of the Dragon's Bite +2, but a +1 will do in a pinch. Do not--I repeat--DO NOT think about using a two-handed sword. (Only a fool or a barbarian with no extra points in intellect would make such a costly mistake.) Iraqis are immune to Critical Strikes, and since they have Stoneskin as one of their starting spells, you're much better off with a ranged weapon, like I said. You're not exactly dealing with Orcs, you know. LOL, ROFL, Humor Attack +2.
Finally, I'd strongly advise traveling with a good party. You're a warrior, so ideally you'll roll with a Mage, a Priest, and a Summoner. Travel mostly during the day, camping out at night. And remember: AVOID DRAGONS. YOU ARE NOT HIGH ENOUGH LEVEL TO DEFEAT THEM. I'm sorry, but that is all the advice I can give you now. My little brother needs the computer to write a paper on Idaho
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