WEB EXTRA: Ford Killing Spree Ends In Tragic Shootout

Ex-president downed by sniper's bullet, nation breathes sigh of relief

Washington -- Ex-President Gerald Ford was finally gunned down in downtown New York last week, putting an end to the shocking, four-month murderous rampage that marked the end of the nonagenarian's long, rich, and austere public and private life.

Ford, who served as President during the tumultuous years following the Watergate scandal, and who lived out his final days enacting a primitive vendetta of revenge against enemies both personal and political, was killed outside the United Nations building in downtown New York City, when a policeman's bullet hit him in the lower neck. He was 93.

"I was so disappointed to hear about Ford's murderous rampage," Harold Gibbins, president of the Ford Library and Ford's personal biographer, said of the end of the Grand Rapids native's life.

"It's so unfortunate he had to go out on such a low note, but it teaches an important lesson, which is that though Ford might have been a good President, he was a very sick, fucked-up person, with the strength of ten full-grown man-eating African gorillas."

Ford's spree began several months ago in mid-September. In a seemingly unmotivated and sadistically violent display, the elderly Ford murdered former presidential rival, Jimmy Carter, at Carter's commemoration of the 3,000th house built by Habitat for Humanity. Carter was brutally hacked to pieces by Ford, who then escaped by deftly falling off of the stage and into a waiting Lambourghini.

"Ford was acting out a revenge fantasy, finally fulfilling a lot of latent homicidal urges he'd carried around for years," forensic psychologist Steve Phillips said of Ford's shocking spree.

"It doesn't shock me that Ford killed Carter, or any of the hundreds who ended up slain at his feet," Philips added. "This man was a textbook case of a ninety-year-old snapping and murdering those he'd harbored resentment against his entire life, the last gasp from another member of the elderly and infirm."

To stay on the lam, Ford moved through towns across Middle America, heading west. Ford survived by murdering drifters, stealing cars, and living on the charity of the unsuspecting, many of whom, not recognizing the glint of homicidal mania in his eye, paid with their lives. Ford's success was attributed in large part to his ability to survive solely on Jello and go months without sleep.

"I'm glad he's dead," Clara White, 45, said of Ford. "He hacked my husband apart with a store-bought machete. Healer of the nation or not, that man was a maniac."

The Every Three Weekly reported earlier in the year on Ford's killing spree, which went largely ignored by mainstream newspapers because of the sensitivity of the information, and the nostalgia surrounding Ford's philanthropy and his seemingly spotless post-presidential life.

At day's end, Ford's maniacal spree ended with 48 dead, 67,000 wounded or maimed, including among its body count that of soul singer James Brown, actor Peter Boyle, tyrant Saddam Hussein, Patricia and Julie Nixon, daughters of the ex-president, USC place-kicker Mario Danelo, and several other people not worth mentioning.

Ford was on his way to the United Nations in New York City, seemingly to wreak more havoc, when guards, who had been alerted that he may try infiltrating the building clandestinely, spotted him crawling on all fours with a machete between his teeth, his clothes spattered with gore.

Cornered, the ex-president took a nearby secretary hostage, gripping her by the hair and holding the machete, which he had purchased early on at a Wal-Mart for four dollars, against her neck, reportedly asking cops whether or not on that particular day they felt lucky.

New York Police put Betty, Ford's wife, on a megaphone, asking her to plead with the ex-president to surrender.

"Please, Jerr," the president's wife reportedly said, "All we want is for you and everyone to be safe."

After an hour long standoff, snipers were ordered to open fire, and one was able to tag the ex-president in the neck, shattering his windpipe. Betty, beside herself, rushed to the downed man's side.

"You animals!" she reportedly cried, her hands slippery with the president's blood.

Ceremonies for the ex-president went largely unattended, for fear that the burly corpse, who showed remarkable tenacity at the game, might rise from the dead to claim several more victims.

In a related story, President Bush has pardoned Gerald R. Ford of all of his homicidal crimes, saying, "Though this long national nightmare might be over, you've still got me for two more years. Fa!"

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