Mr. Miyagi, Beloved Martial Artist And Chronic Masturbator, Dies
LAS VEGAS, NV -- Kesuke Miyagi, Army veteran, karate expert, and chronic masturbator, tragically passed away last week at his home in Las Vegas. He is survived by his wife and his daughter, whom he lovingly referred to as "the emission that got away," or, less often, "Aly."Miyagi was welcomed to the national spotlight when a skinny, nerdy dego named Daniel LaRusso showed up on his doorstop. Instantly, the comedic war veteran and the whiny angst-ridden teenager formed a productive friendship, each benefiting both from time spent together and time spent in isolation, if you catch this reporter's drift. Presented with the opportunity of a lifetime, the devout masturbator Miyagi decided to spread his seminal wisdom on to a new generation.
Under the guise of less controversial instruction, Miyagi soon taught Daniel how to "wax on, wax off," the conventional technique for beginning masturbators. After LaRusso mastered that, Miyagi moved on to more advanced techniques, including the "sand floor" stroke and the "paint fence" ejaculation method.
LaRusso, an apt pupil, soon moved on to the difficult "crane" technique, a method restricted to only the most advanced selflovers. It was with this technique that LaRusso was able to master other aspects of his life, including self-control, martial arts, and not being put in a body bag. He was able to propagate the technique to some of his reluctant peers, who, after learning it, declared that LaRusso was "all right."
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