Satin Ribbons Cure AIDS, Save Troops, Defeat Cancer, Un-Beat Women, Balance Budget, Retroactively Invent The Hyperbole
Rubber Bracelets Still WorthlessWORLD NEWS -- This week, scientists discovered that those stupid ribbons everyone and their cancer-afflicted mothers were passing out a few weeks ago actually are the sole agents of positive change in America.
"Tests conclusively prove that those ribbons are not just symbols representing various world problems, they have actually fixed all the problems mankind has ever faced," said chief researcher Realism McSuspendedson. "All this, despite the fact that they are given away for free and truly generate no additional funding for research, prevention, or treatment of any sort for anything. As a scientist who has spent his whole adult life searching for empirical evidence and progressively more advanced treatments for such illnesses only to see all the credit go to some ribbon wearing buffoon, it frankly irritates me to see all my work further diminished. I should have stuck with Plan A: being a shepard."
While this discovery comes as a shock to many, there are some who anticipated it all along.
"I've always believed in the power of the ribbon," said avid troops supporter Diane Pulaski. "Why wouldn't a free piece of fabric protect our soldiers from heavy insurgent resistance, gunfire, and suicide bombers?"
A simultaneous report, however, shows that those rubber bracelets do not actually do anything. The discovery has saddened some people, including cancer survivor and walking fashion faux pas Lance Armstrong.
"So if I wear yellow, it doesn't actually cure cancer?" asked Armstrong. "All the training, all the Tours, all the performance enhancing drugs, all for naught. It is truly a sad day in the history of mindless fads parading as productive philanthropy."
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