New Fall Lineup Causes Controversy At CBS

NEW YORK -- Last year, according to the Nielson Polls, CBS had the highest ratings of any other network. Part of that success can be attributed to Everybody Loves Raymond, the hit sitcom about a man who hates his family and manages to fuck up his marriage in every single episode and then fix it at the end. Despite Raymond's cancellation, CBS is excited about the new fall line-up, which will include many returning favorites, as well as controversial new shows like CSI: Survivor.

Unlike previous CSI series, CSI: Survivor combines the hip, stylized crime scene investigation with the reality television of Survivor. Creator/producer Mark Burnett explained the show would be much like the previous incarnations of Survivor, including breaking off into tribes, eating plenty of bugs, and watching grown human beings shitting in the woods for money, but with a CSI twist. Instead of voting people off the island each week, the tribal council will select someone to be brutally murdered in his or her sleep, and the rest of the island will investigate the homocide in a very hip way with crazy camera angles while listening to "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. Viewers have also been promised mildly clever one-liners from time to time.

Caitlin Forrester, spokeswoman for Parents For Decency On Television, has said, "We don't think it's appropriate to kill people on national TV just for ratings."

After hearing these accusations, Burnett remarked, "What was that? I can't hear you on account of these huge piles of money blocking my ears. I'm so fucking rich!"

Many early reviews of the series also do not agree with PFDOT's arguments. David Manning, noted critic for The Ridgefield Press, said, "I always wished someone would butcher all those jackasses on Survivor. Now it's really happening!" Taylor Przedonek of the East St. Louis Shopper writes, "Watching this show, I cannot help but feel not just a great shame for the nation but humanity as a whole. Also, that Dave guy is totally going to win, because he's cunning and only looks out for Number One." Even NBC's own Gene Shallot compliments the rival network's new outing, saying, "CSI: Survivor? See-As-I watch it!"

The show has already finished taping and will air Thursdays at 10 PM on CBS this December. All the participants have been sworn to secrecy as to who the overall winner is. But the smart money's on the guy that's still alive.

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