Category: Sports

Nation Reflects on Sochi Highlights, Bob Costas’ Pinkeye

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With the Closing Ceremonies of the twelfth Winter Games approaching this weekend, the 2014 Sochi Olympic games will close just as all have before them have—leaving the world a bit more hopeful and inspired. Sochi was unique, however, being the first Winter Olympics for Russia and marred by discussions of

Diverse IM Broomball Team Realizes They’re ‘Exactly What MLK Had in Mind’

ALONG THE MORAL ARC THAT BENDS TOWARDS JUSTICE—After celebrating a 12-2 victory in IM Broomball, team members of The Extra Funky Polka- Dotted Penguin People realized to their delight that they were, in fact, perfect evidence of a post-racial society. “Wow,” team captain Jacob Preston said at the moment of

Cold to Be a Factor for Both Fans and Players Who Might Prefer Warmer Weather at Super Bowl XLVIII

RUTHERFORD, NJ— With this year’s Super Bowl to be held outside in the MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, many fans and sports analysts are looking to the weather as a major factor in determining the outcome of the game. The forecast slated for that Sunday is a high of 37,

Visibly Concussed James Harrison Forgets Why He’s Mad at Roger Goodell

PAUL BROWN STADIUM–Following Sunday’s game between the Cincinnati Bengals and Cleveland Browns, outspoken linebacker James Harrison criticized NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell once again regarding his attempt to ban helmet-to-helmet hits. In the midst of his rant, however, Harrison forgot where he was, how he had gotten there, and why he

UM Track Team Losing Streak Attributed to Starting Races on Michigan Time

After a series of defeats last season, new University of Michigan track and field coach Jerry Clayton says that he plans to re-examine the impact of the University’s “Michigan Time” policy that has collegiate athletes starting the 200, 400, and team relay 10 minutes after competitors. “U of M students

God Admits He Only Cares About Sports, Latin Grammys

BEYOND THE PEARLY GATES— As the world continues to crumble into despair, heavenly sources confirmed that God, Divine Ruler of the Universe and Creator of the Fruit of the Vine, carries out his sacred duties with exclusively two concerns: professional athletics, and outstanding achievements in recorded music as recognized by

Super Excited Mitch McGary Tweets Chance Encounter with Markley Hall Council President

Michigan Sophomore Mitch McGary tweeted his delight after a chance encounter with Markley Hall Council President Andrew Blumenthal. McGary, who describes himself as “a Markley Hall Council super fan,” recently tweeted, “OMG Mark Hall Prez Andrew Blumenthal took seat next to me in Chipotle #freakingout’” The preseason All-American basketball player

Gatorade Cured My Neck Cancer, By Peyton Manning

Hey y’all, it’s me, Peyton, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, who has thrown for something like a league leading 16 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Now that’s a fact that seems remarkable considering I am a 37-year-old man. It becomes all the more remarkable when you remember that I just

Sochi Olympic Committee Bans 60% of Winter Sports Under Russian Anti-Gay Laws: Figure Skating, Curling First To Go

Citing new Russian laws that ban the presentation of “homosexual propaganda” to minors, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announced that it would be canceling 60% of its previously scheduled events due to their “undeniable gayness.” Said chairman Boris Zorolev in a written statement, “it is not the responsibility ofour committee

Taylor Lewan to Change Number to 69 Because, Well, You Know

The Big House Locker Room– Following Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner’s permanent number change to 98, in honor of Heisman Trophy Winner Tom Harmon, Senior captain Taylor Lewan announced he will also be changing his jersey. “The change to 69 came after a lot of thought. Seeing Devin’s inspiring performances wearing