Category: Sports

Sports Media Still Divided on Whether Marcus Mariota ‘Sneaky Quick’ or ‘Physically Gifted’

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Athlete’s Performance Defies Hasty, Implicit Racial Stereotypes Due to the Oregon quarterback’s lack of clear European or African heritage, lazy sportswriters are reportedly still unable to evaluate Marcus Mariota’s physical skills based on his race. While the Heisman winner has earned praise for his athletic ability, it is still uncertain

Kentucky Basketball Leads Nation in Conference Wins, Player Salaries

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Continuing their historic stretch of athletic and financial dominance, the Kentucky Wildcats basketball team remains at the top of the Associate Press Top 25 College Basketball Poll, as well as the Forbes annual listing of college athletes’ salaries. “Kentucky basketball is synonymous with excellence, and this year they’ve fielded a

University Announces Plans for New Student-Athlete Academic Fraud Complex

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Amid much anticipation, the University of Michigan Athletic Department unveiled its plans Tuesday for the construction of a new state-of-the-art Student Athlete Academic Fraud complex. The building, which costs over $22 million and is slated to begin construction in the fall, will be dedicated solely to the advancement of fraudulent

With String of Upset Victories, Boko Haram Slowly Climbing AP Top 25 Terrorist Group Rankings

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With the tournament quickly approaching, Nigerian terrorist organization Boko Haram has strung together several impressive victories, causing the group to vault up to third place in the AP Top 25 Rankings. While ISIS and Al-Qaeda remain in the spotlight as top five teams, Boko Haram is doing all it can

Winter X Games Happened

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ASPEN, MOST LIKELY—Sports fans everywhere were caught somewhat off-guard this Wednesday to learn that another installment of the Winter X Games had, in fact, occurred from January 22nd to 25th. While few reported being genuinely upset at having missed the annual extreme sports event, most reportedly shrugged, muttered “mhm,” and

Late Ernie Banks Reminds Cubs Fans of Own Inevitable Death Before Team Wins World Series

Banksy

CHICAGO, IL— Chicago Cubs fans were reportedly devastated by the news that longtime fan favorite and eternal optimist Ernie Banks had died over the weekend, reminding them not only of their own mortality, but also of the fact that they will most certainly die before ever seeing their beloved team

Desperate New York Knicks Holding Open Tryouts to Revamp Roster

With an historically bad record and injury depleted roster, the New York Knicks Organization has begun holding open tryouts for even their scrawniest, least athletic fans to display their talents and potentially improve the team. Fans are not only excited about the prospect of “suiting up” for their favorite team,

Ohio State Wins Distinction of Most Exploited Team in College Football

ARLINGTON, TX—Following Steven “Buckets” Burke, #2, shows off his speed. Reportedly a rare sight. their victory over the Oregon Ducks, the Ohio State Buckeyes not only won the National Championship, but also the title of most exploited athletes in the country. “[The NCAA] provides the best opportunities for academic, personal,

Super Bowl XLIX: U. of Phoenix Stadium Offers Rare Job Opportunity to Recent U. of Phoenix Grads

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As football fans from around the nation make their way to the University of Phoenix Stadium for Super Bowl XLIX, sources have confirmed that the Glendale, Arizona stadium is offering rare opportunities for temporary, unskilled labor to “those most in need of a job”: recent University of Phoenix graduates. “At

Johnny Manziel Becomes Starting Quarterback, Man

Johnny Football

CLEVELAND—Following a disappointing lack of chutzpah in recent weeks from Browns QB Brian Hoyer, Manziel has officially become a man in the Jewish faith, as well as a member of the team’s starting lineup. “In a short time, he’s really learned the fundamentals of the playbook as well as the many