Category: Sports

Johnny Manziel Becomes Starting Quarterback, Man

Johnny Football

CLEVELAND—Following a disappointing lack of chutzpah in recent weeks from Browns QB Brian Hoyer, Manziel has officially become a man in the Jewish faith, as well as a member of the team’s starting lineup. “In a short time, he’s really learned the fundamentals of the playbook as well as the many

Michigan Football Team Just Hoping People Assume They Play Basketball Now

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After what has been widely considered one of the most disappointing seasons in Michigan Football history, several football players admitted late Monday that they now hope everyone just assumes they play basketball. “It is never fun to look like a loser,” said 368-pound offensive lineman Graham Glasgow, dressed in an

Hoke Begins Long Walk Back to San Diego State

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Following his firing on December second, former Michigan Head Football Coach Brady Hoke has reportedly started walking back to San Diego State University, where he held his previous job. This three thousand mile trek comes nearly four years after Hoke said he would “walk to Michigan” to secure the head

U-M vs. Northwestern: At Least We’re Good at School!

Brought to you in collaboration with our friends at Sherman Ave, Northwestern’s very own version of the Every Three Weekly! Click for full size.

Freshman Basketball Player Excited to ‘Give Michigan His All’ Until Moment He’s Eligible for Draft

NCAA Basketball Tournament - Ohio v Michigan

The latest in a long line of Michigan’s temporary basketball stars, freshman Power Forward Carlos Kennedy confirmed his enthusiasm to finally play big time college basketball, then immediately leave as soon as he gets good. “I feel a lot of pride when I put on that Maize and Blue, I

Roger Goodell Suspends ISIS for Three Games After Beheading Videos Surface

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NEW YORK—Early this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that the NFL will be suspending international terrorist group ISIS for three games, following the release of videos displaying the beheading of several kidnapped journalists. “I’ve made mistakes, and I’m just trying to get this right,” said Goodell in a press

Brady Hoke Leaves Rotting Corpse of Shane Morris on Practice Field

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In what has been described as “gross misconduct” by the Athletic Department, the putrid, decaying body of recently deceased quarterback Shane Morris continued to take snaps at UM’s football practice last week. When interviewed about the matter, coach Brady Hoke said, “As the head coach, it’s not my job to

Drunk Fan Taken Out of Ball Game, Taken Out of Crowd

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WRIGLEY FIELD—Sources report that Mudville, Illinois native Jim Casey was escorted out of the Cubs game last Thursday afternoon, due to generally drunken belligerence. Stadium officials said that Casey was buying some peanuts and Crackerjack, and was also involved in an altercation with a Tigers fan. Casey was harassing the

Fantasy Football Pro Unable to Draft Girlfriend

THE MANCAVE—Despite months of painstaking preparation, area fantasy football expert Mike Davidson was unable to pick up a girlfriend in any round of his league’s fantasy draft last week. “I feel like I made some really solid picks this year. I’m hoping to have a really good season,” said Davidson,

Incoming Freshman Desperately Reviewing Spanish, Michigan Football History

HOME TO THE MOST WINS IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL— Incoming freshman Robbie Rosen was reportedly very excited to move in to his new room in Bursley, but he did admit that he has some worries about beginning his college career in Ann Arbor. However, his concerns about preparing for the rigor