Category: Sports

With String of Upset Victories, Boko Haram Slowly Climbing AP Top 25 Terrorist Group Rankings

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With the tournament quickly approaching, Nigerian terrorist organization Boko Haram has strung together several impressive victories, causing the group to vault up to third place in the AP Top 25 Rankings. While ISIS and Al-Qaeda remain in the spotlight as top five teams, Boko Haram is doing all it can

Winter X Games Happened

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ASPEN, MOST LIKELY—Sports fans everywhere were caught somewhat off-guard this Wednesday to learn that another installment of the Winter X Games had, in fact, occurred from January 22nd to 25th. While few reported being genuinely upset at having missed the annual extreme sports event, most reportedly shrugged, muttered “mhm,” and

Late Ernie Banks Reminds Cubs Fans of Own Inevitable Death Before Team Wins World Series

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CHICAGO, IL— Chicago Cubs fans were reportedly devastated by the news that longtime fan favorite and eternal optimist Ernie Banks had died over the weekend, reminding them not only of their own mortality, but also of the fact that they will most certainly die before ever seeing their beloved team

Desperate New York Knicks Holding Open Tryouts to Revamp Roster

With an historically bad record and injury depleted roster, the New York Knicks Organization has begun holding open tryouts for even their scrawniest, least athletic fans to display their talents and potentially improve the team. Fans are not only excited about the prospect of “suiting up” for their favorite team,

Ohio State Wins Distinction of Most Exploited Team in College Football

ARLINGTON, TX—Following Steven “Buckets” Burke, #2, shows off his speed. Reportedly a rare sight. their victory over the Oregon Ducks, the Ohio State Buckeyes not only won the National Championship, but also the title of most exploited athletes in the country. “[The NCAA] provides the best opportunities for academic, personal,

Super Bowl XLIX: U. of Phoenix Stadium Offers Rare Job Opportunity to Recent U. of Phoenix Grads

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As football fans from around the nation make their way to the University of Phoenix Stadium for Super Bowl XLIX, sources have confirmed that the Glendale, Arizona stadium is offering rare opportunities for temporary, unskilled labor to “those most in need of a job”: recent University of Phoenix graduates. “At

Johnny Manziel Becomes Starting Quarterback, Man

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CLEVELAND—Following a disappointing lack of chutzpah in recent weeks from Browns QB Brian Hoyer, Manziel has officially become a man in the Jewish faith, as well as a member of the team’s starting lineup. “In a short time, he’s really learned the fundamentals of the playbook as well as the many

Michigan Football Team Just Hoping People Assume They Play Basketball Now

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After what has been widely considered one of the most disappointing seasons in Michigan Football history, several football players admitted late Monday that they now hope everyone just assumes they play basketball. “It is never fun to look like a loser,” said 368-pound offensive lineman Graham Glasgow, dressed in an

Hoke Begins Long Walk Back to San Diego State

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Following his firing on December second, former Michigan Head Football Coach Brady Hoke has reportedly started walking back to San Diego State University, where he held his previous job. This three thousand mile trek comes nearly four years after Hoke said he would “walk to Michigan” to secure the head

U-M vs. Northwestern: At Least We’re Good at School!

Brought to you in collaboration with our friends at Sherman Ave, Northwestern’s very own version of the Every Three Weekly! Click for full size.