BEYOND THE PEARLY GATES— As the world continues to crumble into despair, heavenly sources confirmed that God, Divine Ruler of the Universe and Creator of the Fruit of the Vine, carries out his sacred duties with exclusively two concerns: professional athletics, and outstanding achievements in recorded music as recognized by
Michigan Sophomore Mitch McGary tweeted his delight after a chance encounter with Markley Hall Council President Andrew Blumenthal. McGary, who describes himself as “a Markley Hall Council super fan,” recently tweeted, “OMG Mark Hall Prez Andrew Blumenthal took seat next to me in Chipotle #freakingout’” The preseason All-American basketball player
Hey y’all, it’s me, Peyton, the quarterback of the Denver Broncos, who has thrown for something like a league leading 16 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Now that’s a fact that seems remarkable considering I am a 37-year-old man. It becomes all the more remarkable when you remember that I just
Sochi Olympic Committee Bans 60% of Winter Sports Under Russian Anti-Gay Laws: Figure Skating, Curling First To Go
Citing new Russian laws that ban the presentation of “homosexual propaganda” to minors, the Sochi 2014 Olympic Committee announced that it would be canceling 60% of its previously scheduled events due to their “undeniable gayness.” Said chairman Boris Zorolev in a written statement, “it is not the responsibility ofour committee
The Big House Locker Room– Following Michigan quarterback Devin Gardner’s permanent number change to 98, in honor of Heisman Trophy Winner Tom Harmon, Senior captain Taylor Lewan announced he will also be changing his jersey. “The change to 69 came after a lot of thought. Seeing Devin’s inspiring performances wearing
In the months since school officials announced that seating for the student section would follow a general admissions policy for the 2013 football season, enraged upper-level students have been hard at work trying to make their voices heard. After employing several different strategies such as creating Facebook groups, signing online
Following the Honoring Attendance, Involvement, and Loyalty app’s overwhelming success in drawing students to University athletic events, the University Athletic Department is launching a brand-new version of HAIL intended to draw athletes to academic events, such as class. The new version of HAIL ‒ which now stands for Honoring Attendance,
NCAA President Looking Forward to Someday Vacating All of Calipari’s Seasons at Kentucky Besides this One
THE NIT, THE GODDAMN NIT! – Sources report that NCAA President Mark Emmert has spent countless hours giggling to himself during the past week, repeatedly reminding himself that he will someday get to vacate every one of University of Kentucky head coach John Calipari’s seasons except perhaps just this one.
WAXAHATCHEE WILDLIFE RESERVATION – Native Pelican-Americans are “up in wings” over the recent announcement that the New Orleans Hornets, an NBA team, will be renaming themselves the Pelicans starting next season. Although the name change had long been rumored, the announcement sparked a major uproar. “In the 21st century, the
We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for those born between the years 1923 and 1926. We hope you enjoy this article, which was written by an 87-year-old University alum and “religious reader” of the E3W, and edited by the E3W.