Category: Sports

Roger Goodell Suspends ISIS for Three Games After Beheading Videos Surface

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NEW YORK—Early this morning, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that the NFL will be suspending international terrorist group ISIS for three games, following the release of videos displaying the beheading of several kidnapped journalists. “I’ve made mistakes, and I’m just trying to get this right,” said Goodell in a press

Brady Hoke Leaves Rotting Corpse of Shane Morris on Practice Field

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In what has been described as “gross misconduct” by the Athletic Department, the putrid, decaying body of recently deceased quarterback Shane Morris continued to take snaps at UM’s football practice last week. When interviewed about the matter, coach Brady Hoke said, “As the head coach, it’s not my job to

Drunk Fan Taken Out of Ball Game, Taken Out of Crowd

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WRIGLEY FIELD—Sources report that Mudville, Illinois native Jim Casey was escorted out of the Cubs game last Thursday afternoon, due to generally drunken belligerence. Stadium officials said that Casey was buying some peanuts and Crackerjack, and was also involved in an altercation with a Tigers fan. Casey was harassing the

Fantasy Football Pro Unable to Draft Girlfriend

THE MANCAVE—Despite months of painstaking preparation, area fantasy football expert Mike Davidson was unable to pick up a girlfriend in any round of his league’s fantasy draft last week. “I feel like I made some really solid picks this year. I’m hoping to have a really good season,” said Davidson,

Incoming Freshman Desperately Reviewing Spanish, Michigan Football History

HOME TO THE MOST WINS IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL— Incoming freshman Robbie Rosen was reportedly very excited to move in to his new room in Bursley, but he did admit that he has some worries about beginning his college career in Ann Arbor. However, his concerns about preparing for the rigor

Redskins Change Name to ‘Federally Screwed Over Pre-Columbian Americans’

WASHINGTON—The NFL franchise formerly known as the Washington Redskins shocked the sports world Monday when they announced plans to change their team name to the “Federally Screwed Over Pre-Columbian Americans”, or, “Columbos” for short. “We screwed up,” admitted Washington NFL franchise owner Dan Snyder, “I always viewed “Redskins” as a

Brady Hoke Suddenly Realizes His Career Depends on Hungover Teenagers

THE HOKE HOUSEHOLD—Head Football Coach Brady Hoke, who has recently been rumored to be in danger of losing his job, was reported as being “under the weather” late Friday night. According to sources close to the family, Hoke suffered a severe panic attack due to a sudden realization that his

Nation Reflects on Sochi Highlights, Bob Costas’ Pinkeye

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With the Closing Ceremonies of the twelfth Winter Games approaching this weekend, the 2014 Sochi Olympic games will close just as all have before them have—leaving the world a bit more hopeful and inspired. Sochi was unique, however, being the first Winter Olympics for Russia and marred by discussions of

Diverse IM Broomball Team Realizes They’re ‘Exactly What MLK Had in Mind’

ALONG THE MORAL ARC THAT BENDS TOWARDS JUSTICE—After celebrating a 12-2 victory in IM Broomball, team members of The Extra Funky Polka- Dotted Penguin People realized to their delight that they were, in fact, perfect evidence of a post-racial society. “Wow,” team captain Jacob Preston said at the moment of

Cold to Be a Factor for Both Fans and Players Who Might Prefer Warmer Weather at Super Bowl XLVIII

RUTHERFORD, NJ— With this year’s Super Bowl to be held outside in the MetLife Stadium in New Jersey, many fans and sports analysts are looking to the weather as a major factor in determining the outcome of the game. The forecast slated for that Sunday is a high of 37,