Category: Sports
Athletic Department Launches Second ‘HAIL’ App to Reward Athletes for Class Attendance
Following the Honoring Attendance, Involvement, and Loyalty app’s overwhelming success in drawing students to University athletic events, the University Athletic Department is launching a brand-new version of HAIL intended to draw athletes to academic events, such as class. The new version of HAIL ‒ which now stands for Honoring Attendance,
NCAA President Looking Forward to Someday Vacating All of Calipari’s Seasons at Kentucky Besides this One
THE NIT, THE GODDAMN NIT! – Sources report that NCAA President Mark Emmert has spent countless hours giggling to himself during the past week, repeatedly reminding himself that he will someday get to vacate every one of University of Kentucky head coach John Calipari’s seasons except perhaps just this one.
Pelican-Americans Demand New Orleans Name Change
WAXAHATCHEE WILDLIFE RESERVATION – Native Pelican-Americans are “up in wings” over the recent announcement that the New Orleans Hornets, an NBA team, will be renaming themselves the Pelicans starting next season. Although the name change had long been rumored, the announcement sparked a major uproar. “In the 21st century, the
Professional Football Replaces Sex as Top American Pastime
We here at the E3W typically don’t accept unsolicited submissions, but we do make an exception for those born between the years 1923 and 1926. We hope you enjoy this article, which was written by an 87-year-old University alum and “religious reader” of the E3W, and edited by the E3W.
Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless Lament Lack of Meaningful Discourse in Washington
FAR AWAY FROM ONE ANOTHER – During a recent episode of ESPN: First Take, Steven A. Smith and Skip Bayless, sports analysts and co-winners of the 2012 “Person You’d Least Like to Sit Next to at a Dinner Party” award, decried the lack of serious dialogue in the American political
Pistorius Overcomes Adversity, Becomes First Double-Amputee Olympian to Murder Girlfriend
JOHANNESBURG CITY PRISON, HANDICAP BLOCK – Oscar Pistorius, the first athlete without legs to compete in the Olympic Games, also became the first athlete without legs to brutally murder his girlfriend early Thursday morning. In a feat many have described as “nothing short of extraordinary,” Pistorius recorded the first sub-4.2-second
NHL Owners, Players Agree to Share Whatever Profits They Can Manage to Earn Until Next Lockout
PENALTY BOX – After nearly four months of negotiations, countless arbitration meetings, and five boardroom-clearing brawls, the NHL Players’ Association and league owners agreed to a profit-sharing deal that will fairly distribute the $115 the league as a whole will make this year after pissing off its entire fan base.
From Our Well-Intentioned Japanese News Bureau: Noh Hwan Inducted into MLB Hall of Fame
KYODO TSUSHIN / KYODO NEWS AGENCY – Capping one of the most illustrious careers in modern Japanese sports, the prolific utility infielder/outfielder/pitcher Noh Hwan was recently inducted into the U.S. National Baseball Hall of Fame, marking a great sporting achievement for our nation. After starting his career with Hiroshima Half-Lifes
Braxton Miller Displays New Affinity for Girls with Poor Driving Skills, Leukemia
COLUMBUS, Ohio – According to sources inside the huddle, 2013 Ohio State Heisman hopeful Braxton Miller has recently been seen at local bars approaching girls with pasty skin and short-to-no hair. Miller’s teammates report that this new behavior does not surprise them, as it is merely further evidence of the
Ray Lewis Announces Retirement, Vows Never to Murder Another Human Being Again
BALTIMORE – Ray Lewis, the All-American cold-blooded killer who was named to 11 Pro Death teams over the course of an illustrious career, announced his retirement at a press conference on Tuesday. Lewis retires in possession of the individual records for Body-Sacks Filled, Forced Fatalities, Expirations, and YAC (Yelps of
