Category: World

Atheist Uses Logic, Reason to Congratulate Self, Alienate Others

University of Cambridge student and atheist Justin Tannenbaum has been celebrated for telling absolutely everyone he encounters—regardless of if they want to hear it—that anyone who is not an atheist is a complete fucking idiot. For three years, Tannenbaum has worked tirelessly to structure his coursework, extracurriculars, and free time around an issue he’s extremely passionate

Pope Francis Attempts to Inspire Inner-city Youth with Power of Math

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In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra. While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible

Getting Attacked by Hyenas While Sleeping Least of Somali Man’s Problems

Despite the constant threat of being viciously mauled by wild hyenas while he sleeps, Somali man Dalmar Samatar admitted that when considering the combination of extreme poverty, hunger, disease, oppression, lawlessness, and militant attacks, he has little time to concern himself with the very real threat of wild beasts tearing and gnawing at his vulnerable flesh. “Sure,

Fashion-Conscious Black Hole Rips Apart Last Season’s Fabric of Reality

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According to a new report issued by the International Astronomical Union, a trendy black hole has been spotted tearing the outdated fabric of reality into a more modern unknown dimension. “The Steinhardt-Turok model is so 2013,” remarked renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. “Quarks and leptons may have been in style

JK Rowling Reveals Ron and Hermione Are Fictional Characters, None of It Matters

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In an announcement that shocked fans of the worldwide bestselling Harry Potter series, author JK Rowling revealed that Ron and Hermione are not married, but are instead just two of the many fictional characters that Rowling made up and do not exist. “I always thought there was something off about

Infertility Study Proves Fruitless

A two-year clinical infertility study was cancelled last Thursday after researchers were unable to produce conclusive results. The study officially came to an end when test results came back Thursday morning, says Dr. Anna Weitzman, director of the project. “We were all really invested at that point. I mean, two

Alternative Spring Break Group to Help Real Spring Breakers Locate Dignity

CANCUN, CABO, PANAMA CITY BEACH, LAS VEGAS, YOU GET THE IDEA—The University’s Alternative Spring Break Program will be featuring a new service option for students looking to have a selfless and rewarding spring break experience. This year, a group of twenty generous young people will head down to Mexico at

Baghdad Auto Show Reveals Latest in Car Bomb Innovations

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BAGHDAD—Journalists, industry experts, and explosive enthusiasts alike gathered last week in Baghdad for the Baghdadi International Auto Show, a popular trade convention celebrating the latest and greatest in car bomb innovations. “I’m really excited about the turnout this week,“ said radicalized Islamic militant and convention vendor Omar al-Masri, “We always

North Korean Television Debuts ‘Keeping Up With the Kim Jongs’ Reality Series

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PYONGYANG—To further glorify the Supreme Leader, North Korean State Television has completed production on Season 1 of Keeping up with the Kim Jongs, a hot new reality show about the day-to-day life of North Korean autocrat Kim Jong-Un. The series primarily focuses on Kim Jong’s personal and family life, featuring

World Powers Order Defiant Iran to Be in Bed by Ten

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TEHRAN—As part of a landmark nuclear arms deal between Iran and the world’s most powerful nations, the United States agreed Monday to lift crippling economic sanctions on Iran on the strict, non-negotiable condition that the Islamic Republic keep its promise to be in bed by 10 pm every night. “And