Category: World

Millions of Africans Die of Not-Ebola

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SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE EVENING NEWS—Sources confirmed Monday that of the millions of Africans who died in the past year, nearly all perished due to factors entirely unrelated to the Ebola outbreak. Health officials were reportedly shocked to find that, besides a handful of cases in West African nations, most

Vatican Wardrobe Stylist Baffled by Church’s Waivering Stance on Homosexuality

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THE WALK-IN CLOSET—Following a recent Vatican synod, Atanasio Cesarini, the man employed by the Vatican to whimsically mix and match various furs, silks, and tulle in his designs for Pope Francis’ wardrobe was left seemingly perplexed by the Catholic Church’s decision not to alter its doctrine regarding its stance on

East Timor President Gives Growing Country ‘The Talk’

Addressing the fledgling nation at a press conference last Friday, East Timor President Taur Matan Ruak decided it was time to give his country “the talk.” “People of the sovereign nation of East Timor,” he said, “I feel it is my duty as a responsible president to help prepare you

ISIS First Terrorist Group with Cool Bond-Villain Acronym

SECRET VOLCANO LAIR, IRAQ—As President Obama has held his resolve to continue air strikes in Iraq targeting the jihadist terrorist organisation ISIS, he has also held his resolve that the acronym ISIS is “just a really, really cool name.” The acronym, which officially stands for “Islamic State of Iraq and

Jews Excited to Finally Be Bad Guys

THE HOLY LAND—Although Israel has drawn headlines for using excessive violence against Palestinian civilians in past weeks, Jews around the world are reportedly not feeling any guilt or shame. Rather, they are generally happy to finally be the perpetrators in a bloody global conflict. “Throughout history, Jews are always the

Bono Announces Plans to Kiss Every Living Person on the Mouth

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In a publicized announcement last Friday, musician and philanthropist Bono announced that his latest project will be to kiss every living person on the mouth. “I’ve been involved with quite a few charities over the years,” said Bono, “but I haven’t yet done something that truly benefits everybody.” Walter Smithson,

Malaysian Airlines PR Rep Excited to Finally Have Work to Do

A 20,000 SQUARE MILE RADIUS IN THE INDIAN OCEAN—Though the mysterious disappearance of Flight 370 has caused worldwide concern regarding flight safety, Malaysian Airlines Public Relations Representative Raja Tunku is reportedly elated. “We are doing everything in our power to make sure a horrific event like this never happens again,”

FAA To Review Regulations Regarding Crashing Planes Directly into Ocean

In light of the recent disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight 370, FAA officials are reviewing the rules and regulations surrounding the freedom of airline pilots to alter communications equipment, change altitude, and crash planes full of passengers directly into the ocean. “While the investigation is still underway, it is never

Atheist Uses Logic, Reason to Congratulate Self, Alienate Others

University of Cambridge student and atheist Justin Tannenbaum has been celebrated for telling absolutely everyone he encounters—regardless of if they want to hear it—that anyone who is not an atheist is a complete fucking idiot. For three years, Tannenbaum has worked tirelessly to structure his coursework, extracurriculars, and free time around an issue he’s extremely passionate

Pope Francis Attempts to Inspire Inner-city Youth with Power of Math

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In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra. While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible