Category: World

East Timor President Gives Growing Country ‘The Talk’

Addressing the fledgling nation at a press conference last Friday, East Timor President Taur Matan Ruak decided it was time to give his country “the talk.” “People of the sovereign nation of East Timor,” he said, “I feel it is my duty as a responsible president to help prepare you

ISIS First Terrorist Group with Cool Bond-Villain Acronym

SECRET VOLCANO LAIR, IRAQ—As President Obama has held his resolve to continue air strikes in Iraq targeting the jihadist terrorist organisation ISIS, he has also held his resolve that the acronym ISIS is “just a really, really cool name.” The acronym, which officially stands for “Islamic State of Iraq and

Jews Excited to Finally Be Bad Guys

THE HOLY LAND—Although Israel has drawn headlines for using excessive violence against Palestinian civilians in past weeks, Jews around the world are reportedly not feeling any guilt or shame. Rather, they are generally happy to finally be the perpetrators in a bloody global conflict. “Throughout history, Jews are always the

Bono Announces Plans to Kiss Every Living Person on the Mouth

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In a publicized announcement last Friday, musician and philanthropist Bono announced that his latest project will be to kiss every living person on the mouth. “I’ve been involved with quite a few charities over the years,” said Bono, “but I haven’t yet done something that truly benefits everybody.” Walter Smithson,

Malaysian Airlines PR Rep Excited to Finally Have Work to Do

A 20,000 SQUARE MILE RADIUS IN THE INDIAN OCEAN—Though the mysterious disappearance of Flight 370 has caused worldwide concern regarding flight safety, Malaysian Airlines Public Relations Representative Raja Tunku is reportedly elated. “We are doing everything in our power to make sure a horrific event like this never happens again,”

FAA To Review Regulations Regarding Crashing Planes Directly into Ocean

In light of the recent disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight 370, FAA officials are reviewing the rules and regulations surrounding the freedom of airline pilots to alter communications equipment, change altitude, and crash planes full of passengers directly into the ocean. “While the investigation is still underway, it is never

Atheist Uses Logic, Reason to Congratulate Self, Alienate Others

University of Cambridge student and atheist Justin Tannenbaum has been celebrated for telling absolutely everyone he encounters—regardless of if they want to hear it—that anyone who is not an atheist is a complete fucking idiot. For three years, Tannenbaum has worked tirelessly to structure his coursework, extracurriculars, and free time around an issue he’s extremely passionate

Pope Francis Attempts to Inspire Inner-city Youth with Power of Math

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In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra. While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible

Getting Attacked by Hyenas While Sleeping Least of Somali Man’s Problems

Despite the constant threat of being viciously mauled by wild hyenas while he sleeps, Somali man Dalmar Samatar admitted that when considering the combination of extreme poverty, hunger, disease, oppression, lawlessness, and militant attacks, he has little time to concern himself with the very real threat of wild beasts tearing and gnawing at his vulnerable flesh. “Sure,

Fashion-Conscious Black Hole Rips Apart Last Season’s Fabric of Reality

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According to a new report issued by the International Astronomical Union, a trendy black hole has been spotted tearing the outdated fabric of reality into a more modern unknown dimension. “The Steinhardt-Turok model is so 2013,” remarked renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. “Quarks and leptons may have been in style