JOHN 3:16 – Fans of the History Channel’s popular fantasy epic The Bible unexpectedly found themselves treated to a slew of plot spoilers earlier this month during the televised broadcast of Pope Francis’s inaugural homily. To the dismay of millions watching, the pope formerly known as Jorge Mario Bergoglio revealed

SWAMPY AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS GAZA – According to a recent statement released by the prime minister’s office, the Israeli government is planning to undertake a massive wildlife restoration project aimed at expanding the wetlands in the eastern, western, and especially southwestern portions of the Jewish state. Showing a commitment

NEW YORK FEDERAL COURT – Sulaiman Abu Ghaith, the alleged son-in-law of the deceased al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden, entered a plea of “not guilty by reason of not being Osama bin Laden” in open court here on Monday. “That guy who masterminded every element of the 9/11 attacks? Yeah,

Rather than declare a full-on war against his northern neighbor in an effort to reunify the divided peninsula, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is now trying to convince South Korea to at least allow him to pursue a strategy of partial penetration. “Look, I recognize that I may have been

DINGY TORTURE CHAMBER/SEX DUNGEON ‒ Iraqi police confirmed yesterday that its interrogators have taken the day off from interrogation to brainstorm a new way to break the spirit of an unnamed Al Qaeda captive who is aroused by S&M, as well as every interrogation tactic they have attempted. “You know

LAKE VOSTOK, Antarctica – Rapidly moving their heads from side to side and emitting a strange green glow, Russian scientists announced today that they had found “nothing of note” during their decade-long research into this subsurface Antarctic lake, which was once thought to harbor exotic ancient life-forms. “There are no

A CAVE – Hoping to increase its relevance in the global jihad against Western imperialism, al-Qaeda has begun to expand the range of activities for which its willing to claim responsibility to more unconventional events. “Suicide bombings are so 2001. Any schmuck with a few pounds of nitroglycerin and an

UANGZHOU, GUANGDONG PROVINCE – Generals from the People’s Liberation Army offered their “most sincere apologies” to the New York Times after the newspaper published an extensive account claiming it had been hacked by the Chinese. The 52nd Cyberwarfare Infantry Brigade was “only trying to keep up with Nate Silver’s latest

TEHRAN – The global reaction to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s announcement that he would like to be his nation’s first astronaut has been largely derisive, with many in the international community mocking the president for his childish aspiration. But in recent weeks, more and more of the president’s enemies have

SOME SEEDY ALLEY IN SEVILLE – In an effort to more fully experience Spanish youth culture, LSA junior Rebecca Allister successfully orchestrated a marijuana purchase while studying abroad this semester. Allister completed her first transaction for cannabis since leaving the United States after consulting various Spanish sources, including her roommate,