Category: World

Afghan Child Bride Really Starting to Get the Hang of Domestic Life

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Despite a “rough start” to her arranged marriage, 12-year-old Alima Sahar reported that her situation has improved dramatically, and her household duties have become much more enjoyable as she acclimates to married life. “I wasn’t allowed to attend school, but if I did I’m sure I would not have learned

Cambodian Orphan Apparently Not Well-Behaved Enough for Santa to Grant Wish for Clean Drinking Water

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Sources report that despite nine- year-old Acharya Nhek’s letter to Santa last week requesting “water that is not brown and does not make our bellies feel as if they are on fire,” the Sunrise Children’s Orphanage in Dangkor, Cambodia has still not received water that demonstrates any semblance of potability.

Millions of Africans Die of Not-Ebola

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SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN THE EVENING NEWS—Sources confirmed Monday that of the millions of Africans who died in the past year, nearly all perished due to factors entirely unrelated to the Ebola outbreak. Health officials were reportedly shocked to find that, besides a handful of cases in West African nations, most

Vatican Wardrobe Stylist Baffled by Church’s Waivering Stance on Homosexuality

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THE WALK-IN CLOSET—Following a recent Vatican synod, Atanasio Cesarini, the man employed by the Vatican to whimsically mix and match various furs, silks, and tulle in his designs for Pope Francis’ wardrobe was left seemingly perplexed by the Catholic Church’s decision not to alter its doctrine regarding its stance on

East Timor President Gives Growing Country ‘The Talk’

Addressing the fledgling nation at a press conference last Friday, East Timor President Taur Matan Ruak decided it was time to give his country “the talk.” “People of the sovereign nation of East Timor,” he said, “I feel it is my duty as a responsible president to help prepare you

ISIS First Terrorist Group with Cool Bond-Villain Acronym

SECRET VOLCANO LAIR, IRAQ—As President Obama has held his resolve to continue air strikes in Iraq targeting the jihadist terrorist organisation ISIS, he has also held his resolve that the acronym ISIS is “just a really, really cool name.” The acronym, which officially stands for “Islamic State of Iraq and

Jews Excited to Finally Be Bad Guys

THE HOLY LAND—Although Israel has drawn headlines for using excessive violence against Palestinian civilians in past weeks, Jews around the world are reportedly not feeling any guilt or shame. Rather, they are generally happy to finally be the perpetrators in a bloody global conflict. “Throughout history, Jews are always the

Bono Announces Plans to Kiss Every Living Person on the Mouth

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In a publicized announcement last Friday, musician and philanthropist Bono announced that his latest project will be to kiss every living person on the mouth. “I’ve been involved with quite a few charities over the years,” said Bono, “but I haven’t yet done something that truly benefits everybody.” Walter Smithson,

Malaysian Airlines PR Rep Excited to Finally Have Work to Do

A 20,000 SQUARE MILE RADIUS IN THE INDIAN OCEAN—Though the mysterious disappearance of Flight 370 has caused worldwide concern regarding flight safety, Malaysian Airlines Public Relations Representative Raja Tunku is reportedly elated. “We are doing everything in our power to make sure a horrific event like this never happens again,”

FAA To Review Regulations Regarding Crashing Planes Directly into Ocean

In light of the recent disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight 370, FAA officials are reviewing the rules and regulations surrounding the freedom of airline pilots to alter communications equipment, change altitude, and crash planes full of passengers directly into the ocean. “While the investigation is still underway, it is never