Citizen Kane Voted Best Movie Of All Time You Haven’t Seen Yet, You Uncultured Piece of Shit
On November 11, the American Film Institute re-released their list of the top 100 movies of all time. Juried by 1,500 film artists and critics, the list is headed by Citizen Kane, the 1941 classic you haven’t even bothered to see because, let’s face it, you’re a lazy piece of shit who lacks any modicum of appreciation for real culture.
Sir Bryan E. Michaels, who heads the AFI, announced the updated version of the list at a press conference, confirming that the 16th anniversary of the list would reestablish the Orson Welles film that you’ve somehow wormed your way into undeserved adulthood without seeing as the ultimate cinematic achievement of human history.
Michaels, who serves as the chair of the board of trustees and is a former executive at Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, honored the film’s continued success with a speech to a gathering of members of the press, all of whom are infinitely more together than you, just by sheer merit of their having gotten their shit together enough to devote themselves to the critically acclaimed drama for 119 minutes that you probably wasted playing video games or watching porn.
His talk gave a nod to the aesthetic and cultural significance of the film, the ramifications of which are still visible in pop culture, even though you definitely haven’t noticed because you’re too busy getting stoned and complaining about your parents, you unsophisticated slob.
The reissued list contains such other cinematic gems you’ve remained willfully ignorant of as Lawrence of Arabia and Schindler’s List, you insensitive prick, and has been made available online at the AFI’s website for you to easily ignore in favor of continuing on in your fucking uncultured bliss.
Originally published Nov. 2013