MIDDLE EAST – A recent string of suicide bombings and retaliatory strikes have threatened to upset the long-held balance of violence in the Middle East. Since essentially the dawn of time, this fertile cradle of civilization has been the battleground for religious sects and warring factions of all kinds, but this latest violence may erode that bloodthirsty foundation. “We’ve hated each other since I can remember, and our culture of violence has been institutionalized at the highest levels. It’s just sad to see thousands of years of work and dedication to plundering and killing threatened by a new generation of thugs,” said Palestinian militant Abdullah al-Fakwa. “They’re ruining this for everyone else.”

The Israeli reaction to recent uprisings and suicide bombings in the area was equally grave. “I’m frightened for my life these days,” said Tel Aviv resident Rebekah ben Ezra. “Before, it used to be that you could walk outside in the streets and only worry occasionally about cars blowing up or rockets flying or guns blazing, but now there is a constant specter of violence hanging over this place. I’m afraid for my life. Why can’t we go back to killing each other the way we have been for all antiquity?”

Political unrest in Syria, Libya, Egypt, and across the rest of the region has sparked an international dialogue concerning the future of the area and the best way to solve this new threat of violence before it permanently destroys the previous threat. “Not just people’s lives but also an entire way of life is at stake here,” said U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. “No one should have to wake up and worry about whether she will make it through the day. This kind of violence is unacceptable. We must return the region to the state of violence it has become so accustomed to before this new threat smothers it out.”

The one beacon of hope that has risen from this devastation has been the hint of cooperation between long-time enemies. Israelis and Arabs have made steps toward working together in hopes of crushing these new threats. This new, constant threat of violence will be “snuffed out and completely destroyed without mercy of any kind,” said Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak. Arab leaders seconded these sentiments in a joint statement, adding, “We’re gonna fucking murder all these guys with extreme prejudice for the violence they’ve caused.”