A DARK, LONELY ALLEYWAY, JUST OUTSIDE HOLLYWOOD – Former “actor” David Schwimmer, most “famous” for his role as Ross Geller on the television sitcom Friends, wants everybody to remember that he was allowed to repeatedly make out with Emmy-winning actress Jennifer Aniston during their fictional season-long romance. Schwimmer, who has apparently been out of work since 2006, delivered the rant while carelessly swinging a half-empty 40-ounce bottle of Colt 45 malt liquor.

“You up-and-coming actors these days, you all probably think I’m some talentless schmuck,” Schwimmer yelled at passers-by while seated beneath a flickering streetlight. “Did any of you get to hook up with Jennifer Aniston? I didn’t fucking think so.”

As his funds dry up and more and more of his Hollywood contacts “lose his number,” Schwimmer has clung to the fact that his lips were once instructed to make contact with a particularly attractive co-star as his last psychic sanctuary in this harsh, desolate world. He maintains this thimbleful of self-worth despite the closely-supervised nature of his “conquest” of Aniston, as well as her need to visit the nearest bathroom following every fictional romantic encounter between the two of them. Finally, sources close to Aniston maintain that she repeatedly asked for Schwimmer to be fired, and was actually fucking Matt LeBlanc in the storage closet during her time on Friends. To be fair, however, two minutes of staged kissing totally counts as a home run for David Schwimmer.

“Hey man, do you have anyway to get me a gig?” he asked this reporter while swaying from side to side. “At this point, I’d take any guest role on The CW.”

Schwimmer then promptly left to disrupt the bachelor party of Justin Theroux, an actual actor and director who is currently engaged to Aniston. Upon forcibly removing Schwimmer from his mansion, Theroux could be heard wondering why a homeless man who resembles Justin Long was trying to defend his fiancée’s honor.

Originally published: September 2012