De Beers to Offer Lab-Grown Blood Diamonds
LUXEMBOURG – In an effort to adapt to changing consumer preferences, the notorious diamond cartel De Beers has announced a new line of synthetic diamonds, one that seeks to combine the flawless perfection of cultivated gemstones with the violent horrors of diamonds mined in Africa.
“We here at De Beers realize customers are increasingly disillusioned with the recent decline in gross social injustices associated with the production of their luxury gemstones,” said De Beers spokesman Stuart Rhodes. “That’s why we developed ForeverConflicted™ diamonds – perfect, synthetic gemstones cultivated under working conditions just like those in Sierra Leone. Customers can rest assured they’re getting the best of both the first world and the third world with ForeverConflicted™ diamonds.”
De Beers has gone to great lengths to obtain the first-ever Synthetic Conflict Diamond certification for its ForeverConflicted™ product line. Laboratory worker compensation was redesigned so that at least 98% of each paycheck is rerouted to warlords in sub-Saharan Africa. Workplace conflict resolutions have been abandoned altogether in favor of limb and/or genital mutilation to settle disputes. Employees are required to work 156-hour shifts, with vacation days re-designated as opportunities to spend up to 12 hours in De Beers’ newest on-site corporate housing structure, a cinderblock hut complete with shallow latrines and bedrolls made of goatskins.
In a move that drew criticism from groups like the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, De Beers went so far as to release a swarm of mosquitoes infected with malaria into their facilities to ensure a more authentic work environment. The company’s commitment to the legitimacy of the ForeverConflicted™ diamonds pervades the entire corporate ladder, with management scrapping the traditional job titles of “General Manager,” “Chairman,” and “Chief Executive Officer” in favor of “Overseer,” “Master,” and “High Warlord.”
“It’s time we put an end to the façade of safety and tranquility surrounding the diamond industry,” said Phillipe Mellier, Grand Poobah of De Beers. “Some might tell you a diamond is just pure carbon, but we feel that the finest diamonds are 99% carbon with trace amounts of blood, sweat, and tears – but mostly blood and tears. I assure you that De Beers is completely and utterly devoted to keeping the ‘human’ in ‘human rights abuses.’”