Despite Upcoming Basement Changes, Panda Express Somehow Staying in Union

Diarrhea-Inducing Menu ‘Will Not Change’

THE UNION – In the outdated, smelly and inexplicably sticky basement of the Michigan Union, one neon light has shined a bit brighter over the past few weeks.

Panda Express, having signed a longer lease than all other restaurants in the basement, will remain in the Union after renovations are completed this coming year. The restaurant wants to reassure the University that, despite changes to the rest of the basement, they will continue to undercook their meat, oversteam the rice, and provide patrons with the same shitty meals they have come to expect from Panda Express.

“Students can rest assured that they will continue to have unforgettable bowel movements following each dining experience with us,” said the branch owner, Annie Sullivan, in a press release. “Just because the Union atmosphere is changing does not mean that we will follow suit. We will never stray from the lukewarm, similar-tasting entrees that have gotten us this far.”

University administrators in charge of allocating the Union space to new tenants have made it clear that their choices would represent healthier options for students. Although simply spraying some Febreze in the putrid Tap Room or cleaning the disgustingly-gummy computer keyboards would improve the basement dramatically, University Unions decided the best way to solve the problem would be to replace several popular franchises. Like many students, Panda Express is disappointed to see its fellow restaurants leave.

“Those poor workers at Wendy’s,” sighed Panda Express cashier Annie Hong. “We used to shoo sleeping homeless people out of the tables together.”

“Somebody should definitely remind the Subway guys that they have to leave, though,” she added. “They’re usually pretty high.”

There is, however, an upside for Panda Express. With so many new healthy choices, Sullivan is convinced that they will be able to fill a very specific niche among the basement restaurants.

“We expect that students will eventually tire of the healthy, low-cal options that the Union will soon provide,” said Sullivan. “And when that happens, Panda will be there with open arms and copious free samples of mediocre substitutes for China Gate and TK Wu.”

Originally published: December 2012

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