Esteemed Hamas Minister of Counter-Counter-Terrorism Killed in Israeli Airstrike

GAZA CITY – Mohammed Kubari, Hamas’s longtime Secretary of Offense, Injustice, and Counter-Counter-Terrorism, was killed in a pinpoint Israeli airstrike on Sunday in violation of last month’s ceasefire. He was 48.

Kubari, who was hailed as an esteemed statesman and reviled as a killer of innocents, was the guiding light behind many of Hamas’s most innovative terrorist attacks, including the 2003 Tel Aviv bus #17 bombing, the 2007 Beit H’reima massacre, and last year’s spree shootings in Jerusalem.

Hamas, which is considered a terrorist organization by Israel and its closest ally, the United States, is a longtime enemy of Israel, which is considered not to exist by Hamas and its closest ally, Iran. Kubari, Hamas Prime Minister Ismail Haniyeh’s second-in-command, was widely expected to be elevated to the top position following Haniyeh’s inevitable upcoming mysterious death due to an exploding cell phone, an exploding steering wheel, or really any sort of explosion for which the Israeli government denied responsibility with a wink and a nod.

“This man was a killer of Jews, fought for the people of Gaza, and spent his life trying to destroy the state of Israel,” said Hamas minister of propaganda Abdullah Qatari at a press conference. “The world is worse off without a valiant hero like Kubari in it.”

“This man was a killer of Jews, fought for the people of Gaza, and spent his life trying to destroy the state of Israel,” said Israeli information minister Mickey Goodman at a press conference. “The world is better off without a craven terrorist like Kubari in it.”

Shortly after the airstrike, U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon issued a statement calling on both sides to stop the violence immediately. He pleaded for life to return to normal on both sides, with Israelis huddling in their bomb shelters as usual and Gazans continuing to endure their collective nightmare of living in one of the most crowded, fetid hellholes in recorded human history.

Originally Published: December 2012

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