Failure to Accept ‘Niece’ Request on Facebook Reignites Family Feud

RICHMOND, Va. — Tensions flared between rival factions of Jenna Halbright’s extended family earlier this week following the alleged denial of Aunt Sarah Watson’s request to list Jenna as her niece on Facebook.

“You know, she never really thought of Sarah as much of an aunt anyway,” said Jenna’s mother, Kelly Halbright. “And I don’t blame her. That succubus ruined [my brother] Jim’s first marriage.”

Intrafamily security experts fear the altercation may lead to a complete collapse of the long-standing ceasefire established by the Halbright-Watson Peace Accords of Thanksgiving 2007 – a historic deal facilitated by Great-Grandma Smithers and seven bottles of wine. Lauded by peace negotiators worldwide, the ambitious reconciliation plan included terms that instituted demilitarized zones at all funerals and mandated that the warring tribes no longer “forget” to exchange family Christmas cards. Key among the provisions was the requirement that the Halbrights officially recognize the legitimacy of Uncle Jim Watson’s marriage to his 23-year-old mistress, Sarah, which had been widely regarded as the impetus for the conflict.

“I’ve never understood Kelly’s hatred for Sarah,” said Watson patriarch Grandpa Joe. “It’s not like Jim up and married a colored.”

Some analysts express concern over the role of fringe elements in the conflict, namely the estranged Uncle Roger Watson, whose experimentation with hallucinogens in the late 1970s led him on a expedition to “find himself” in the old-growth forests of the Pacific Northwest, where he remains to this day.

“Roger could have an incredibly destabilizing effect on the situation,” says family historian and little-known second-cousin Carl Nordquist. “His prolonged isolation has likely transformed him into a figurative time capsule of past conflicts and long-suppressed tension. He has the potential to reintroduce countless uncomfortable family issues, like Grandpa Joe’s unabashed history of racism, which could undo whatever tenuous peace we have left.”

Asked how she feels about her role in renewing the family’s civil war, Jenna Halbright replied that she “hasn’t been on Facebook in like a week” due to computer problems.

Originally published: November 2012

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