The Every Three Weekly http://www.everythreeweekly.com Michigan's Premier Humor Publication, Now Papercut-Free Fri, 27 Feb 2015 05:46:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Terrified Schlissel Admits: “If We Stop Building, We Die”http://www.everythreeweekly.com/terrified-schlissel-admits-if-we-stop-building-we-die/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/terrified-schlissel-admits-if-we-stop-building-we-die/#comments Fri, 27 Feb 2015 05:44:37 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4349 In a shocking announcement made last evening, a sweaty and distressed Mark Schlissel shut down critics of the University’s rampant spending by revealing that stopping construction would result in the complete obsolescence of the University of Michigan.

“You don’t understand. None of you could ever understand!” said Schlissel, in a noticeable departure from his usual, affable rhetoric. “This isn’t just about building!  This is about survival!  I’m trying to save all of you! Can’t you see that?”

“It’s incredibly frustrating trying to reason with you while we’re wasting precious building time this very second! There’s no time to debate this—we have to build!  Now!” Schlissel exclaimed, as he frantically ran out of the room, donning a hard-hat and grabbing a shovel on his way to assist in the construction of the new Jeff T. Blau building.

Several key figures in the central Administrative Office confirmed Schlissel’s comments, adding that not only was he speaking the truth, but that his urgency was not in the least bit unfounded.  “We’ve tried to shelter the public from this for as long as we could, but now there’s no hiding it,” confessed University Provost Martha E. Pollack.  “It’s just a fact.  If the University of Michigan ceases campus renovation and expansion, we won’t even be footnotes in history.”

Reportedly, the last time the University stopped building was for a total of three days in 1963.

“That was the closest the University of Michigan has ever come to extinction,” recalled a well-known Professor Emeritus, who wishes to remain anonymous.  “It must not be allowed to happen again.  I can’t bear it.”

Additional sources revealed that it was because of this responsibility that former-university president Mary-Sue Coleman stepped down from the position at the end of last semester.  “Poor Mary-Sue,” lamented Regent Board Member Mark J. Bernstein.  “She just collapsed under the pressure of it all.  She couldn’t take it anymore. Legend tells that she still lies awake at night, muttering about world-class facilities and international rankings.”

However, Schlissel promised that Coleman’s sacrifice, like those of all the presidents before, had not been in vain.  “She did her job, and now the burden has fallen on me to bear,” Schlissel said.  “This responsibility is more than you can imagine.”

“Do you think we like tearing down and rebuilding the Ross school over and over again?”  Schlissel cried, speaking directly to his critics.  “It’s a goddamn nightmare!  Did any of you really think we actually needed another Law Quad? C’mon! Do you think I enjoy schmoozing it up with rich alumni every weekend to keep this train moving?  I’m a teacher!  If it were up to me, I would take that money and put it towards academic research in a heartbeat!  But I’m telling you!  We have no choice!  Those cranes are the only things standing between us and oblivion!”

Schlissel concluded the conference by announcing that, due to the declining pace of construction on campus, the University was introducing new plans to relocate each tree on campus fifty yards from their original position.

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Okay, I Admit: I Did Not Kill Kennedy.http://www.everythreeweekly.com/okay-i-admit-i-did-not-kill-kennedy-by-brian-williams/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/okay-i-admit-i-did-not-kill-kennedy-by-brian-williams/#comments Thu, 26 Feb 2015 03:08:46 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4342  By Brian Williams

I’ve endured a lot of criticism lately for lying about the news and my experiences. There have been many, many investigations into my past and the stories I originally reported. And before this goes any further, I want to admit one of my boldest claims was also a lie: I did not assassinate the 35th President of the United States, John F. Kennedy.

November 17th, 1963. Every American knows where they were. But I was actually 2,500 miles away sitting in my crib in Elmira, New York.

Sure, I said I fired my rifle from the grassy knoll, hitting the Leader of the Free World in the head and fatally wounding him. I purported to have assassinated the most powerful man in the world, forever changing history.

I told the everyone I hesitated before pulling the trigger. My palms were sweating and I was breathing heavily. But when it came time to take the shot, everything slowed down. It was as though I was in an action movie. I discharged my weapon and Kennedy’s brains splattered all over his convertible.

I’ve been carrying the burden of this lie for a long time now. I first told someone I did it on the first day of kindergarten. I needed to make friends, so I exaggerated a little. Everyone does it. I remember my buddy Joey said his uncle was John Lennon, but all the kids soon learned that wasn’t true, either.

I kept the story going in college as well. My personal essay for my application was supposed to be about my life’s defining moment. Naturally, I chose to write about my role in one of the most important events of the 20th century.

Once I began reporting the news, I often said on-air that I was the second shooter. Audiences around the nation trusted me, truly believing that I was the killer.

But alas, I was three years old at the time. I was playing with my stuffed animals at home, maybe even sucking my thumb when the news broke. Actually, I might’ve been watching cartoons. It’s all a little hazy.

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Alternative Spring Break Destinations Brace for Seasonal Onslaught of Insufferable Do-Goodershttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/alternative-spring-break-destinations-brace-for-seasonal-onslaught-of-insufferable-do-gooders/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/alternative-spring-break-destinations-brace-for-seasonal-onslaught-of-insufferable-do-gooders/#comments Tue, 17 Feb 2015 18:31:17 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4202 While recovering from damage caused by earthquakes, hurricanes and general poverty, community members of the world’s devastated areas are scrambling to prepare for the imminent aggravation caused by the goody- two-shoes headed toward the nation’s multitude of alternative spring break programs.

“When the hurricane hit us, we didn’t know what was coming. We were totally unprepared,” said Carole Norton of Biloxi, Mississippi. “But I was equally unprepared to hold a conversation with the type of person who would willingly give up vacation time in order to haul debris around my yard for no pay. And I just know they’re coming back this year too.”

According to Norton, the volunteers who traveled to Biloxi last year “really shook the community.” She explained “They even engaged in countless team-building icebreakers. Right in our backyards.”

Said Neil Bowman of Detroit, “My community is particularly vulnerable to this type of thing. Our schools are falling apart. We don’t have the tax revenue to fix them ourselves. And on top of it all, we have college kids coming here with buckets of paint and goofy smiles. What the hell are they so happy about?”

Bowman went on to explain his fear that “some of them will even wear bandanas on their heads.”

Christy Morgan from the University of Michigan’s Ginsberg Center explained the motivation behind many members service.

“It isn’t just about a lot of self-congratulatory back slapping, helping out poor people or even padding one’s resume. It really is about privileged people spending a week of their lives becoming ‘active citizens’ in hopes that years from now they will be able to look back and say, ‘yeah I made a difference that one time 20 years ago, that was enough.’”

For her part, Norton still struggles to overcome the aggravation she and her family experienced last spring. “When I close my eyes at night,” she said, “I can still hear them singing Kumbaya.”

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Critics Blast ‘50 Shades’ Film for ‘Shameless’ Glorification of Tickle Torturehttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/critics-blast-50-shades-film-for-glorification-of-tickle-torture/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/critics-blast-50-shades-film-for-glorification-of-tickle-torture/#comments Tue, 17 Feb 2015 15:44:42 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4329 Citing the film’s highly stylized depiction of the controversial S&M kink, critics blasted 50 Shades of Grey director Sam Taylor-Johnson this weekend for the film’s supposed “glorification” of the hotly-debated practice of tickle torture.

“Make no mistake: tickle torture is not empowerment,” said Madeleine Davies, a prominent Jezebel blogger.

“By depicting relentless tickling as an acceptable form of sexual gratification, the 50 Shades film only reinforces the repugnant patriarchal fantasy of inducing prolonged bouts giggling and tingling,” Davies continued.

Others criticized the film for failing to depict tickle torture in a safe, sensitive way.

“There are healthy, ethical ways to consensually combine sex and relentless tickling,” said Emma Green, a staff writer for The Atlantic. “The kind of foot-feathering and thigh-stroking 50 Shades puts on screen is not one of them.”

At press time, Universal Pictures announced it would be editing out the film’s “most objectionable” tickle torture scenes from all DVD and Blu-Ray releases of the film in North America.

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University Accepts Record Number of Highly Financially Qualified Applicantshttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/university-accepts-record-number-of-highly-financially-qualified-applicants/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/university-accepts-record-number-of-highly-financially-qualified-applicants/#comments Tue, 17 Feb 2015 14:18:50 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4213

Citing an aggressive outreach campaign aimed at the wealthiest 10% of high school seniors across the globe, sources within the Office of Admissions confirmed Thursday that the University enjoyed a record-breaking uptick this year in the number of applicants with outstanding financial qualifications.

“As Wolverines, we’ve always taken pride in the all-around financial excellence of our incoming freshmen,” said Vice President for Student Life E. Royster Harper.

“With a median household income of over $250,000, we don’t expect a single penny less from the Class of 2019.”

The record-breaking year comes on the heels of a decades-long trend of applicants with increasingly impressive economic credentials. Harper expects this phenomenal rise in the overall wealth of our future Wolverines to continue for years to come.

But, as Director of Admissions Ted Spencer noted, we shouldn’t expect the University’s incoming class to be any less financially well-rounded than previous years.

“Economic excellence is about more than tallying up our students’ families’ non-farm assets, treasury bonds, or corporate holdings. It’s about more than the value of Dad’s 401k or Mom’s family estate in the Hampton’s,” Spencer explained.

“It’s about striking a balance between old money and new money, domestic money and foreign money— clean money and blood money,” Spencer said.

“Take any of those diverse financial backgrounds out the mix, and our whole student body loses out on the filthy-rich experience of calling themselves the Leaders and Best.”

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Giant Periodic Table In Chem 1800 Replaced With Info On Changing Majorhttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/giant-periodic-table-in-chem-1800-replaced-with-info-on-changing-major/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/giant-periodic-table-in-chem-1800-replaced-with-info-on-changing-major/#comments Tue, 17 Feb 2015 13:52:52 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4232 As a response to changing needs among undergraduates, the periodic tables lining the walls of lecture hall 1800 in the Chemistry Building have been taken down, and large, easily-accessible posters for Newnan Advising have been raised in their place.

Explained Chemistry Building manager Theresa Dekker, “What these students really need is a way out. Whatever circumstances might have led them to consider majoring in chemistry or pre-med, they need to realize that there is a solution, and it won’t be found by staring vacantly at some useless table of elements.”

The new 10 x 20 foot posters contain the Newnan Advising Center hours for the entire year, a selection of suggested “cushy” majors such as History and Anthropology, and a humorous picture of a cat holding a banjo. Each poster is also topped with a banner that reads, “It’s not too late” in plain black text.

“I have never spent time in class wondering about Neon’s atomic number or Molybdenum’s molecular mass,” said nursing sophomore Geoff Brook. “But too many times, I’ve sat in lecture with my head in my hands, trying to remember my advisor’s name. Now it’s in my peripheral vision all the time!”

Said chemistry professor Ralph Goldman, “It might seem like I enjoy the field of chemistry. I mean, I’ve been working and teaching in this building for over 30 years, but it all boils down to denial. It gives me hope that no student of this generation will make the same grave mistake I did.”

So far the posters have had a measurable effect on campus life. The number of chemistry undergraduate majors has shrunk to three, down from a whopping seven last year.

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Study Finds Men Whom Use ‘Whom’ Get Laid More Often Than Those Whom Don’thttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/study-finds-men-whom-use-whom-get-laid-more-often-than-those-whom-dont/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/study-finds-men-whom-use-whom-get-laid-more-often-than-those-whom-dont/#comments Sun, 15 Feb 2015 22:13:33 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4306 A study released online last week confirmed that men whom use “whom” in their everyday vocabulary receive better responses socially and, in turn, get laid more often than those whom do not.

The study, conducted with hundreds of people across the country, encouraged men to use “whom” in casual conversation more often and document how often they had intercourse since the beginning of the trials. The results were shocking, especially to people whom have been using the word their whole lives.

The researchers revealed that the men whom said “whom” had over thirty percent more sex than they were having before.

“I was at a party once and to get things going I shouted: ‘whom’s ready to party!’” recalled Frank Dawson, whom was one of the test subjects. “Next thing I know I was in bed back home with a girl. If I had known it was this simple before, whom knows whom I could’ve been getting with!”

Dawson reportedly went home with Trisha Tanner, whom reported that she prefers intelligent men. “I was just begging for him to say it you know,” said Tanner about Dawson. “The whole night I was just like, ‘say it baby, come on, just say it to me.’”

Tanner represents an overwhelmingly large portion of the population whom have been turned on by the erotic one syllable word, and she certainly will not be the last.

Editor’s Note: As someone whom has a fairly advanced vocabulary and thorough understanding of syntactic structure, I ask you: whom wouldn’t want a piece of this miraculously literate wordsmith, am I right ladies? Whom out there is wooed by this articulately crafted sentencry? Email news@michigandaily.com with any kinky semantic requests.

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2015 Camry’s New Safety Features Not Preventing Gary From Driving Like Total Assholehttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/2015-camrys-new-safety-features-not-preventing-gary-from-driving-like-total-assho/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/2015-camrys-new-safety-features-not-preventing-gary-from-driving-like-total-assho/#comments Sun, 15 Feb 2015 22:07:40 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4296 GARY’S SICK NEW WHIP—Despite years spent on the research and development of safety features for Gary Griffith’s new Toyota Camry, there is, apparently, still nothing stopping him from driving like a total douchebag.

“Yeah brah isn’t my new Camry sick? I paid extra for those shiny chrome rims,” said Mr. Griffiths, who was apparently unaware that his car also came with new standard safety features like blind-spot detection and lane assist that were designed to prevent him from driving exactly the that he does. “It’s pretty sweet right? I call it the submarine because I’m gonna be swimming in poon with this thing.”

Mr. Griffiths continued the interview while using one hand to text “his girl” and the other to make obscene gestures to fellow drivers who he perceived as slighting him while barely keeping an eye on the road.

“Why was that douche all up in my grill?” said Griffiths as he crossed over three consecutive lanes of traffic without using his turn signal. “Also why does this car keep beeping and jerking and stopping and shit? This is fucked, man. I hope my whip isn’t defective.”

Despite having many features designed to make driving safer for both Gary and his fellow drivers, his Toyota Camry had no feature that could keep Mr. Griffiths from being a terrible, terrible driver.

“Ugh, this lane is so slow!” Mr. Griffiths complained as he turned on to the shoulder and proceeded to pass all the responsible drivers who had noticed the lane was coming to an end and that they would have to merge. “Why won’t this guy let me in? Come on asshole! I’m trying to drive here!”

A short time later, no one was particularly saddened by the news that Gary’s airbag had deployed after hitting a tree, breaking his nose, as he was distracted by a passing female jogger.

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You Can’t Make A Country Boy Outta A City Slicker. But Does The Converse Hold?http://www.everythreeweekly.com/you-cant-make-a-country-boy-outta-a-city-slicker-but-does-the-converse-hold/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/you-cant-make-a-country-boy-outta-a-city-slicker-but-does-the-converse-hold/#comments Sun, 15 Feb 2015 22:07:32 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4292 By Mathematics  PH.D. Candidate R. Boone Cunningham

Screen Shot 2015-02-15 at 4.29.22 PMWhen I was just a boy, my ma always said, “You can’t make a country boy outta a city slicker.” Daggumit if she ain’t had it right. I done seen a great many things in this lifetime, and I ain’t never seen a city slicker pack on up and learn hisself how to shush a squealin’ hog, or how to birth a calf with nothing but a sidesaddle and a tire iron.

No sir: ya’ll ain’t never seen a man make a country boy outta a city slicker, and ya’ll never will.

But, if only for the sake of argument, let us consider here whether the converse holds.

Let Ω define the space of all people in existence. Additionally, let CB ⊂ Ω define the space of all country boys and let CS ⊂ Ω define the space of all city slickers. Clearly, CB ∩ CS ≠ ∅—’cause, shucks, I’m guilty of being a bit of both from time-to-time! Hence, we will only consider the disjoint sets α = CS ∩ CB′ and β = CS′ ∩ CB, where α is the set of those who are city slickers, but not country boys, and β is the set of those who are country boys, but not city slickers.

Given there does not exist a function f that maps α → β, does there exist a function g: β → α?

Well, I’m not one to spin a yarn, but I ’member ’bout ten summers back, I was plowing Old Man Jennings’ yard as a thank-ya for Ma Jennings sharin’ her huckleberry cobbler. I reckon it was hotter than a goat’s butt in a pepper patch, so Old Man Jennings let me come inside for some water before too long, and we got to conversatin’. He was tellin’ me ’bout how his boy Jake’s changed ever since he headed out to university. He was so proud of his boy when they got the word that he got in. He was happier than a puppy with two peckers. Lord knows, if Old Man Jennings’ brains were leather, he couldn’t saddle a flea. So he was happy his boy Jake had a head on his shoulders. But when Jake would come back to visit from college, he was acting queerer than hell—uppity, mean, and with piddly any respect for his elders. The boy thought his shit didn’t stink.

In a word, he had become a city slicker. He was too lazy to work the farm, he wouldn’t go with the family to church, he didn’t even roll his own tobbacy anymore. You’re darn tootin’ his pa was upset. Jake and his old man suddenly were just arguin’ nonstop, ’bout everything and the kitchen sink. Jake was defendin’ some stuff a family man like me won’t even dignify.

It was clear their boy had changed. Gone was the boy without a lick of mean in him, that was fit as a fiddle and always keepin’ his hands busy. Now, after leavin’ the farm, he’s as useless as tits on a bull.

Hence, I have done proved that although ∄f: α → β, ∃g: β → α. I could continue on with further examples, like what happened to Jethroe Baker, or Cooter Jones, but the tale of Jake Jennings is plenty proof for the existence of a mapping β → α. For a corollary on country girls, see appendix.

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‘You Kinda Had to Be There on Five Tabs of Acid,’ Area Man Explainshttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/you-kinda-had-to-be-there-on-five-tabs-of-acid-area-man-explains/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/you-kinda-had-to-be-there-on-five-tabs-of-acid-area-man-explains/#comments Sun, 15 Feb 2015 22:03:09 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4294 Conceding that his anecdote had failed to elicit the response he’d hoped for, area man Sean Frohlich explained Thursday that it was probably “the kind of thing where you just had to be there” on a quintuple dose of acid to understand.

“I’ll admit it,” Frohlich said. “I guess you really can’t get the whole picture unless you were there tripping balls on some top-shelf shit with us.”

Frohlich, who acknowledged having ingested upwards of 500 micrograms of LSD before the event in question, confesses that his story might not make “total sense” to a person who was not both physically present and “zonked out of [his] fucking gourd” on five tabs of the powerful psychedelic for the incident in question.

According to Frohlich, there was a certain “vibe” going on there that one had to witness in person, as the boundaries between self, other, space and time “disintegrate before your very eyes,” in order to comprehend fully.

“I guess it’s just not the kind of thing you can get across to someone who wasn’t, like, there in the room” undergoing a radical drug-induced transformation of the way they relate to their own thoughts, senses and anticipation of death itself.”

At press time, Frohlich had launched into a more accessible anecdote about the time he got “really fucking drunk” and wretched all over his girlfriend’s new carpet.

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