The Every Three Weekly Michigan's Premier Humor Publication, Now Papercut-Free Thu, 26 Mar 2015 18:19:11 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Infographic: How Are We Dealing With Our Exclusion From March Madness? Thu, 26 Mar 2015 18:14:17 +0000 wild-wolv

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Here’s a Picture of Two Pairs of Feet on a Bed. You Fill in the Blanks. Tue, 24 Mar 2015 20:14:53 +0000 Alrighty folks, here are some feet on a bed. They’re exposed from the covers just above the ankle, and they seem to be touching each other. Now, there are a few possibilities. Maybe it’s pair of Siamese twins laying in the bed, some severed Godfather-style legs or even a four-legged mutant man! But we think you know what’s really going on.

That’s right, let your mind wander into the gutter for a spell. These feet aren’t just for aesthetic pleasure, if you catch our drift. Clearly, they’re suggesting something more. Something a picture of intertwined shins would tastefully indicate without being too explicit.

But what might that something be? A PSA for the importance of podiatric health? Subtle advertising for a sheet manufacturer? A teaser for Shakira’s next album, Feet Don’t Lie? All valid guesses, but you’re thinking too PG.

Here’s a hint: what does our progressive college readership have in common with our culturally savvy team of writers? An awareness of something that starts with S. No, not ‘Spaghetti Monday’ at Mia Za’s (which is a deliciously great deal by the way). Something a little more, shall we say, ‘adult’ in nature.

We’re sure you’ve narrowed it down quite a bit by now. The answer is gradually sliding into your brain just like the smooth right heel is gently grazing that hairy right leg. At the risk of making it too easy, here’s another hint: there is no dog in the bed out of frame. No cat either. There may be a fishbowl in the room, but that shouldn’t affect your deduction.

So here we are. Four feet in a bed. We’ve laid it all out, and we’re confident that you’ll spring to the answer like an athlete with sculpted calves. Good luck, but don’t sleep on us just yet. Soon we’ll post a visual allegory for something only millennials experience, and that might be a bit more of a challenge.

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News-In-Photo Wed, 18 Mar 2015 02:10:06 +0000 0 South Quad’s Secret Menu Wed, 18 Mar 2015 02:08:47 +0000 0 Campus Mourns Loss Of Dozens Of Half-Assed Intro Paragraphs To Fishbowl Power Outage Mon, 16 Mar 2015 05:07:01 +0000

The campus community was reportedly shocked by the loss of numerous poorly written outlines, hastily prepared PowerPoints and half-assed introductory paragraphs in an unexpected power outage in Mason Hall on Wednesday night.

Though no official death toll has been released on the number of distractedly prepared files that were lost, a University spokesperson estimates that the final count will be “large, as backups may not be salvaged for all files and most Fishbowl users were loafing around way too much to save regularly.”

“We haven’t seen a tragedy of this scale since the great Windows Vista update of ‘02”, continued spokesperson Linda Holmes. “The University of Michigan will do everything in its power to support the victims of this tragedy, and ensure that their lives eventually return to normal. We will recover all of the hastily skimmed PDFs and poorly thought out 12-point Times New Roman essays that we can, and fondly remember the ones we cannot. We hope that campus can return to normal as soon as possible and the Fishbowl will once again become a place for raucous socializing instead of legitimate scholarship.”

Mary Rojas, the author of a budding English 124 essay, was “heartbroken” over the ordeal. “You always hear about this thing happening to other people, and I never thought it would happen to me. This paper had so much potential, and got cut off in the prime of its introductory clause. It was the humble beginnings of a paper, just trying to go out and do its job. Nobody should have to go through this. I wish I had backed it up instead of torrenting the new Ariana Grande album.”

ITS is encouraging students to take proactive steps to be prepared for future emergencies. “You never know when a tragedy like this will strike. If you have files you love, I urge you: go home and back them up to the iCloud. You never know when they could be gone forever,” announced Michael Brown, head of the ITS File Emergency Management Association (FEMA).

Brown went on to add that if students didn’t want to experience such a tragedy in the future, they may want to not put off their work until the last minute. Brown further explained that the papers written during Adderall- and caffeine- induced all nighters are often of poor quality, anyway.

Students were reportedly planning a candlelight vigil to both remember those lost and continue pretending to work on their projects, as Mason Hall’s lights were still out.

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Less Popular Roommate Wondering What ‘We’re’ Doing Tonight Mon, 16 Mar 2015 05:03:59 +0000

In a typical act of social ineptitude, LSA freshman and less popular roommate Carl Hunter perceived friend and roommate Jamie Preston what “we’re up to tonight.”

Hunter, described by peers as “unique,” “kind of a downer,” and “always around somehow,” rarely presents plans of his own creation and prefers to “play it by ear,” he said.

“I try to keep an open schedule and just be up for anything that comes my way, ya know?” said Hunter, once again finding himself without Friday night plans. “I just kinda see what people are up to and go from there.”

Hunter’s roommate Preston reportedly did have plans, but was reluctant to bring the “social hindrance of a human being,” along with him. Nevertheless, he said, Hunter is likely to tag along.

“He always ends up coming along,” said Preston of Hunter. “No matter how many hints I drop that I don’t want him to come along, he still seems completely oblivious.”

Preston has taken his roommate to multiple social outings—from movies to frat parties—none of which Hunter was actually invited to.

“Last weekend was amazing!” said Hunter, referring to the night when he tagged along with several hallmates to a frat party. “The whole squad hit the town and just straight killed it, man. All of the guys were there, and my man Jamie was getting it on with some chick! It was just a real wild time dude.”

“That’s what makes me great; I just do what feels comfortable, ya feel me?” the mild nuisance continued. “I always just kinda go with the flow of things, people can really dig a chill guy like that.”

At press time the “ever-present” roommate was accompanying Preston to a house party where he proceeded to play with the dog all night.

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Screenwriting Major Expert At Crafting Tension With Roommate Mon, 16 Mar 2015 05:03:01 +0000

Sources close to SAC major Bryan Klein report that his extensive studies of film and scriptwriting have enabled him to become highly adept at crafting tension between himself and his roommate, LSA junior Jason Goldberg.

“Oh man, Bryan really has that spark that everyone in the film business seems to talk about,” said Goldberg. “He’s just brimming with creative ideas. Like, last week he walked around in his boxers while I was trying to talk to my mom on the phone for a half-hour straight. That’s commitment to the craft. To think, I might be rooming with the next Hitchcock!”

Klein’s other tension-creating techniques include piling dirty dishes so high that they can’t be washed, tracking sludge throughout the apartment with his snow boots, and leaving rotting food out long enough to sustain an entire colony of fruit flies.

“And Bryan never frames a rogue, dirty sock in quite the same way twice,” Goldberg said. “He’s so good at keeping me on edge.”

“He always manages to work in surprise twists,” Goldberg continued. “Just last night he ‘accidentally’ unplugged my desktop from the power strip and I lost two papers I’d been working on. Never saw it coming!” Goldberg said.

Goldberg noted that every time he thinks he’s got his roommate figured out, Bryan “hits [him] with something totally out of left field.” Goldberg continued, “Like that time he baby-talked his girlfriend on speakerphone the entire time I had a biochem study group over.”

“Who else has that kind of vision? This kid is going places.”

Ashley Hoffman, one of Klein’s SAC professors, told reporters that he tends to carry his tension- crafting skills into the classroom as well. “Often he’ll ask a totally unprompted question like ‘Wait––what was the webwork again?’ or ‘Can you go back to the last slide?’” Hoffman said.

Reportedly, Klein is greeted with stunned silence every time––surely a testament to his groundbreaking technique.

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‘Into My Office, Young Man! Right Now!’ Yells Schlissel While Trying To Corral Class Clown Mon, 16 Mar 2015 05:01:27 +0000

During the 11:00–11:10 a.m. passing time last Tuesday, LSA junior and resident prankster Robert Hyland reportedly deployed five stink bombs into the Mason Hall girls’ bathroom, causing an uproar among students and faculty, most notably University president Mark Schlissel.

Schlissel, who was passing by, flipping through a manila folder and generally keeping an eye on things to make sure everyone was keeping in line during passing time, looked up suddenly after hearing a shrill voice yell, “But this is the girls’ bathroom!” Schlissel was reportedly shocked (but not too shocked, he later said) to see Hyland dashing out of the girls’ restroom.

“Stop running!” Schlissel shouted to Hyland. “No running in the halls!”

“Oh no! the Schliss!” Hyland reportedly exclaimed, stopping in his tracks.

“Into my office, young man! Right now!” shouted Schlissel with conviction, pointing in the general direction of the Fleming Administration Building. “Oh God, what’s that smell?”

Ten minutes later, after calling in the janitors, Schlissel sat down at his desk and sighed before remembering to stand up again, open his door and mutter, “Bobby, you can come in now.” Hyland, looking down, came in and sat down in the plastic chair pulled aside from the waiting room.

“So, Bobby, what is your deal today?” Schlissel implored. “What do you think you are, some sort of smartass?” Schlissel let the moment sit so that Hyland would understand he was really upset.

“Bobby, please don’t. Please don’t cry! I apologize for swearing. I’m just really upset with your decision-making today. What made you think this was a good idea, huh?”

According to sources, Hyland looked up at Schlissel through his hands momentarily, but started bawling before being able to speak. Schlissel put his hand on Hyland’s shoulder to try to comfort him.

“I. Just. Want. Katie. To. Think. I’m. Cool,” Hyland said, clipped, between frantic breaths. “I. Want. People. To. Think. I’m. Funny.”

“Now Bobby, you are funny, but you need to consider the consequences of your actions,” Schlissel explained. After lecturing and consoling Hyland for ten minutes, Schlissel asked the LSA junior to promise that he wouldn’t pull any of his pranks anymore.

Later that day, a group of Hyland’s friends who cite him as somewhat of a leader congregated around his table during lunch at the South Quad Dining Hall.

“So what’s the deal, big man, what happened in there?” freshman Wyatt Abner asked while wapping him on the arm.

“Well, let’s just say that me and the Schliss are pretty tight now,” Hyland said confidently, while raising his eyebrows.

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CSG To Boost Interest In Upcoming Elections By Fabricating Next Big Campus Controversy Sun, 15 Mar 2015 22:46:22 +0000 Amidst a trend of decreasing student participation the Central Student Government’s spring elections, sources confirmed Thursday that a number of CSG candidates are reportedly considering manufacturing an entirely artificial and extremely divisive campus controversy to polarize the student body and jump-start student involvement in the upcoming March 25th elections.

“We’re talking national media attention, rival hashtags and backlash op-eds in the Daily for weeks on end,” said presidential candidate Jason Russo of the Ann Arbaugh Party. “If we play our cards right, they might even force President Schlissel to release a statement condemning whatever it is that people are all up in arms about.”

Although they hail from competing parties, the candidates are willing to work together after last year’s “dismal” voter turnout to inspire enough animosity and opposition within the campus community to ensure a return to the spotlight for student government’s annual election.

“There’s nothing like a heated public scandal to provoke the righteous ire of the student body and get them out to polls,” said Ford School representative candidate Joan Friedman of the iMproved Party. “With any luck, we’ll be able to fabricate a controversy that’ll garner all the hostility, bitterness and antagonism we need to get people angry and excited about the CSG elections again.”

Though the candidates declined to comment further on their plans to artificially induce an unrelenting hailstorm of tweets, Facebook comments and blog posts; they assured reporters that the war of words would be much broader in scope, severity and duration than any previously witnessed controversy.

“Ski-gate and that whole ‘relative wealth’ kerfuffle will pale in comparison to what I’ve got up my sleeves. Mark my words: when this shit hits the fan, they’ll station DPS officers in the fuckin’ Honors Commons just to keep us from each other’s throats,” continued Friedman.

When reached for comment, incumbent CSG President Bobby Dishell praised the candidates’ initiative, saying, “this is exactly what the CSG needs. If students buy into the controversies we fabricate now, imagine how riled up they’ll be when the elections are inevitably voided.”

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Law School Looking Like Great Option For Seniors With No Other Options Sun, 15 Mar 2015 22:33:03 +0000 As graduating seniors look to solidify their future plans, campus sources have reported that the prospect of law school seems to be “really gaining traction” among students who’ve failed to establish any clear career path, grown to detest the field of study they’ve chosen or realized they are entirely unprepared for life outside of a university campus.

“Law school is a perfect fit for me,” says LSA senior Jodi Franklin. “It’s challenging, sounds nice at cocktail parties, and a great match for the hazy, loosely-defined credentials I’ve gained with my cultural studies degree.”

“I’ve been thinking seriously about law school for several weeks now,” said fellow senior Brooks Dern. “Once I realized my job prospects leave a lot to be desired––not to mention how easy it is to take out a small fortune in student loans––I knew that law school was where I’m meant to be.”

For many seniors, the realization that they were destined to study law was guided by the help of qualified advisors and professionals.

“After my stress-induced nervous breakdown last semester, I developed a close relationship with my CAPS advisor. That’s when I realized I really wanted to be a psychotherapist. But once I realized the medical school ship had long since sailed, and that my uncle’s consulting firm had passed me over for someone with an actual track record of business acumen, I realized I really wanted to go into law,” said LSA senior and classical studies major Raul Garcia. “I guess you could say it’s my calling––barring any other remotely viable options.”

“Unless something else comes up––and I mean literally anything else––I’m confident that my best move is to blow $150,000 on three years of grueling work that will kick my ass and leave me perfectly situated to compete with 40,000 graduating 3Ls for 6,000 entry-level attorney positions,” Garcia continued.

LSA senior Marshall Lohmann reported that the decision to go to law school practically made itself for him.

“I was on the phone with my grandma a couple weeks ago, asking for a few hundred bucks to tie me over till my next allowance check, and out of nowhere she asked me about my post-grad plan. I really hadn’t thought that far ahead. Law school was the first thing out of my mouth, so I was pretty much committed at that point,” Lohmann said.

In the absence of any other pursuit to call his life’s work, Lohmann explained that sacrificing the better part of his early twenties and a lifetime of bad credit for law school “seemed like [his] best bet.”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson from the American Association of Law Schools pointed out that graduating seniors who could prove that they lacked any other viable options would be eligible for a full application fee waiver.

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