The Every Three Weekly http://www.everythreeweekly.com Michigan's Premier Humor Publication, Now Papercut-Free Fri, 30 Jan 2015 03:23:47 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Almost There: We Promise You 17 Photos of JLaw in this Headline and Deliver on At Least 10 of Themhttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/almost-there-we-promise-you-17-photos-of-jlaw-in-this-headline-and-deliver-on-at-least-10-of-them/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/almost-there-we-promise-you-17-photos-of-jlaw-in-this-headline-and-deliver-on-at-least-10-of-them/#comments Thu, 29 Jan 2015 16:04:22 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4080 Here at the Click House, we’re all about getting the job done. More clicks = more ad revenue = more disposable income for new GoPro or girlfriend. So, when our editors asked us to cobble together 17 pics of today’s MOST clickable star––Jennifer Lawrence––in a single post, we were like “Sure, why not?” But then something came up at home and we really had to bounce.

So, without further ado, here’s 17 photos of––that’s right––Jennifer Lawrence, at LEAST 10 of which we actually follow through on.

1. As promised: the JLaw we all know and love.

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2. That’s her! No complaints here.

3. Technically Katniss, but played by none other than JLaw.

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4. Ok, not quite JLaw. Apologies about that.

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5. No question, this is JLaw through-and-through.

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6. Classic JLaw.

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7. Shit. Stay with me, guys. We can bounce back from this.

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8. Not fooling anyone with this one.

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9. See? Just JLaw.

70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

10. I’m feeling a streak! Undeniably JLaw, as stipulated in headline.

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11.  Don’t count your JLaws before they’re uploaded.

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12. She is only 24, can there even be this many photos of someone that young? Next one will be JLaw, though. Promise!

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13. Cool find from reddit. Hope it helps make up for additional non-JLaw pic.

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14. Really should have spread out available JLaws.

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15. Not even trying anymore.

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16. Fuuuuck. Editor’s gonna to be so pissed.

Rubio8

17. Phew! Unconfirmed, but supposedly a genuine JLaw!zubaida-tharwat-photos-8

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Late Ernie Banks Reminds Cubs Fans of Own Inevitable Death Before Team Wins World Serieshttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/late-ernie-banks-reminds-chicago-fans-of-own-inevitable-death-before-cubs-win-world-series/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/late-ernie-banks-reminds-chicago-fans-of-own-inevitable-death-before-cubs-win-world-series/#comments Thu, 29 Jan 2015 15:11:29 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4119 CHICAGO, IL— Chicago Cubs fans were reportedly devastated by the news that longtime fan favorite and eternal optimist Ernie Banks had died over the weekend, reminding them not only of their own mortality, but also of the fact that they will most certainly die before ever seeing their beloved team win the World Series.

“I loved Ernie, every year he came to spring training with a goofy phrase about how the Cubs were going all the way that year,” lifelong Cubs fan Jeff Gooden told reporters. “And it never happened! Not once! The guy never even made it to the playoffs, despite playing for 19 years! I now know that someday, I too will die forlorn and unfulfilled, never knowing baseball’s greatest joy.”

With spring training fast approaching, many Cubs fans are already undergoing their yearly ritual of deluding themselves into thinking their team has a legitimate chance to win the World Series. Yet others seem to have had their eyes opened by the 83-year-old shortstop’s death and are seriously reconsidering their priorities in life.

“I mean, sure, I thought the Cubs were going to be pretty good this year,” said Chicagoan Emile Kertz, “I bet Ernie probably thought he was going to see the Cubs win one someday too, and look at him now. He’s dead, man. A fucking corpse. He’s in the ground forever, fated never to see the Commissioner’s Trophy hoisted in Wrigley Field. You know what? It isn’t too late for me. I’m walking away from this shit.”

When asked what they plan to do with their newfound free time which would otherwise be spent a baseball team that has perennially lost for over 100 years, most Cub’s fans were unsure.

“I’m going to do something better with my life than sit drunkenly in bleachers, that’s for sure,” said Kertz. “Maybe I’ll fill this new void by spending quality time with my friends and family. Though I’ll probably just become a Yankees fan instead. I mean, the cable company already makes me pay for their network, so why not?”

At press time, many Cubs fans declared that the long wait for a World Series title would only make winning one that much more special, apparently unaware that it just is never going to happen. Not while they are around to witness it, at least.

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8 Unforgettable Moments From This Year’s Super Bowl Media Dayhttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/8-unforgettable-moments-from-this-years-super-bowl-media-day/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/8-unforgettable-moments-from-this-years-super-bowl-media-day/#comments Wed, 28 Jan 2015 03:56:13 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4038 In case you missed it, here are The Click House’s picks for the 8 most memorable moments of this year’s Super Bowl Media Day.

1. Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch answered every question with some variant of “I’m here so I won’t lose the image of an inscrutable enigma that I’ve worked so hard to cultivate.”

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 2. Rob Gronkowski was asked to confirm the rumors that he was becoming a spokesman for Trojan.

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Gronkowski responded, “Do you really think I wear condoms?”


3. “How will your post-game plans change if you win or lose?” reporters asked Tom Brady.

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He said, “They won’t. Every night ends the same way: a trip to pound town with Gisele.”


4. Richard Sherman addressed the press before being asked anything.

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“I am not talking about Kepler’s Laws of Planetary Motion today,” he said, “I don’t answer pre-school questions.”


5. A Seattle safety was asked “What actions will be taken by Germany as the Euro continues to weaken compared to the dollar?”

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He responded, “I think you have the wrong Chancellor.”


6. Vince Wilfork refused to answer whether he ate Vince Wilfork or not.

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7. Bill Belichick finally acknowledged that he did, in fact, spend the last three days working on his doctorate in ball physics from Boston College. He denied once again, however, having any involvement in the staging of the hit musical Avenue Q.

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“I don’t fuck around with musical puppets, you’d have to ask Tom about that. I know quarterbacks are very particular about their musical dolls.”


 8. Russel Wilson admitted that the only reason he had come this far was because he made a deal with the devil.

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“It was too good of a deal to pass up, and all I have to do is endorse Bose® headphones and give him my first born child. And I get two more Super Bowls in return!”

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Throwback: 9 Photos of Bread Before it Was Toastedhttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/throwback-9-photos-of-bread-before-it-was-toasted/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/throwback-9-photos-of-bread-before-it-was-toasted/#comments Wed, 28 Jan 2015 01:39:24 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4040 Get ready for a trip down memory lane, because we’re taking you way back with these 9 photos of this starchy, carb-loaded staple food BEFORE it was browned by exposure to radiant heat.

1. Wow, just look at these little guys! Really brings you back to a time before they were held in close proximity to heating elements for 1-3 minutes.

White-Bread


2. Ok––we seriously just did a double take! THIS is what that pumpernickel slice looked like before we jammed it in a hot a crevice long enough for it to change colors??

Pumpernickel


3. Remember when it was like this? We sure didn’t!

Kommissbrot


4. Now THAT is a blast from several minutes ago!

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5. No question about it: this is from before it was toasted.

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6. Definitely a trip down short-term memory lane!

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7. You can’t forget about these carcinogen-free li’l morsels.

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8. Hard to tell, but this is definitely from their pre-toasted era.

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9. Who knew??

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Be sure to check back next week for EXCLUSIVES of  some USDA Prime beef before it was braised.

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Weekend Fraternity Bender Causes $50,000 in Damages to Winter Pledges’ Trust Fundshttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/weekend-fraternity-bender-causes-50000-in-damages-to-winter-pledges-trust-funds/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/weekend-fraternity-bender-causes-50000-in-damages-to-winter-pledges-trust-funds/#comments Tue, 27 Jan 2015 05:25:36 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=3952 Gaylord, MI—Sources confirmed Wednesday that a weekend of “utter debauchery” involving a University fraternity has led to more than $50,000 in damages to the entire third floor of the Treetops Resort in northern Michigan, as well as the trust funds of the winter ’15 pledge class.

“On behalf of Sigma Alpha Mu brothers around the world, I’d like to seriously apologize for any harm we’ve brought upon our pledges’ trust funds,” said Chapter President Jonathan Quinn. “In the heat of the moment, we lost track of the repercussions our actions could have for the ancestral wealth our pledges are entitled to.”

“Not to mention the compound interest they’ll be missing out on once they pay out those fifty G’s,” Quinn added. “A lot of us took an accounting class in Ross last semester, so the interest thing definitely isn’t lost on us.”

The outcome of their long weekend of drugs, drinking and black diamond alpine skiing has garnered vocal criticism from both the University’s Interfraternity Council and national fraternity leadership.

“The actions of these young men demonstrate an astonishing lack of consideration for their pledges’ financial entitlements,” said IFC chairman Marcus Lorr. “The recklessness, the disrespect, the total disregard of the wealth they worked so hard to inherit… These are not the values that we want to portray as members of University of Michigan Greek Life.”

“I just feel betrayed, you know?” said one winter ’15 Sigma Alpha Mu pledge, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We trusted these people with our families’ hard-won private assets, and they completely violated that trust.”

“I sort of expected some hazing, but I thought it would just be physical or emotional abuse,” continued the anonymous pledge. “But financial abuse? That’s just cruel.”

Mike Chumbler, the resort’s general manager, said he was “confused and disappointed” by the fraternities’ failure to consider the impact their actions could have on their pledges’ future access to capital.

“Windows, ceiling tiles, floorboards, critical support beams… all that stuff can be repaired in time,” Chumbler said. “But the tax penalty these kids are going to face from an early trust withdrawal? That doesn’t just go away.”

Members of the winter ’15 pledge class were last seen on the phone with their parents to talk them into setting up an emergency fund for future threats to their inherited assets, likely in response to the fraternity’s recently announced spring break trip to the Bahamas.

Originally published January 2015.

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Charlie Hebdo Infographichttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/jesuischarlie/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/jesuischarlie/#comments Sun, 25 Jan 2015 22:00:14 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4016 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/jesuischarlie/feed/ 0 Obama Requests Incomplete On Middle East Assignmenthttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/obama-requests-incomplete-on-middle-east-assignment/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/obama-requests-incomplete-on-middle-east-assignment/#comments Sun, 25 Jan 2015 21:58:04 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4013 WASHINGTON D.C. – Only weeks away from the beginning of his last two years in office, United States President Barack Obama announced in a press conference Tuesday morning that he had decided to ask for an “incomplete” mark on that Middle-East project he had begun in 2009.

“Look, I’ve done my best, and that’s what really matters. Shouldn’t I get some credit for what I was able to do?” The President said in the hopes that perhaps he could be granted some leniency and still earn a decent grade on his term in office. “I just think that my final score shouldn’t be weighed down by this one thing just because I wasn’t able to finish on time.”

The President elaborated that there were many factors that had hindered his ability to complete the assignment in the allotted amount of time.

“I mean it isn’t like this was the only requirement I had to fulfill!” Obama quipped. “I also had to turn in my health care reform project, and then I was busy making sure I’d still be here this semester! And how in the hell was I supposed to see ISIS coming? It’s like I try to fix one thing and it causes five more problems! Not to mention that half the guys in my group weren’t even after a good grade.”

Sources close to President Obama confirmed that the Commander-in-Chief had become very distressed over the Middle East assignment during the last two years, and that he had been considering asking for an incomplete mark as early as the Benghazi report.

“After Hillary left the team, he gave up on getting his vision into the final product at all,” said Vice President Joe Biden, who, unbeknownst to his family, had dropped out altogether and has simply been crashing at the White House for the past two years.

“If you want the truth, Barry really just wanted to withdraw and forget all about the grade,” added Biden.

At press time, sources confirmed that the President had been denied his request, and had returned to the Oval Office, casually asking if any of his staffers were willing to spare him a few “pops” of Adderall.

Originally published January 2015.

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‘Entourage’ Film to Explore Themes of Male Camaraderie, Pussyhttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/entourage-film-to-explore-themes-of-male-camaraderie-pussy/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/entourage-film-to-explore-themes-of-male-camaraderie-pussy/#comments Sun, 25 Jan 2015 21:45:03 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4005 Fans of the successful HBO series Entourage delighted recently as the first trailer for the upcoming film was released, giving audiences a teaser of what to expect. Continuing the rich subjects explored on television, the movie will examine the timeless themes of lifelong friendship and gratuitous, full frontal nudity.

Critics and fans alike had much to say regarding their expectations for the trailer and film, the latter of which is said to be a “profound study of both the human condition and the lengths some will go for a pair of huge titties,” according to Director Doug Ellin. The story, which like the acclaimed show, will revolve around movie star Vincent Chase and his childhood friends as they try to find success and casual sex in Los Angeles.

Superfan and celebrated Entourage blogger Payton Sims of Omaha, Nebraska explained, “I’ve been a huge Entourage fan since it aired in 2004. From the very beginning, I was moved by the powerful scenes of brotherhood and I was always turned on by the great sex scenes.”

Sims continued, “The relationship between Vinny and his agent Ari consistently brought tears to my eyes. I remember bawling at the end of season 5, episode 7, when they boarded their respective private planes and it wasn’t clear if their relationship would continue. I think there was a smoking hot model in that one too. I remember googling her later. Nicolas Cage, what a great show.”

The movie is projected to be a box-office hit, considering the success of the television show and its dedicated fan base of cultured, hormonal teenage boys. Yet at press time, no fans interviewed were able to correctly name the actor who plays the role of Vinny Chase.

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Imagined Conversation in Man’s Head Takes Turn for Worsehttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/imagined-conversation-in-mans-head-takes-turn-for-worse/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/imagined-conversation-in-mans-head-takes-turn-for-worse/#comments Sun, 25 Jan 2015 21:40:37 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=4003 EL PASO, TX – Sources confirmed Friday that what started out as a simple rehearsing of a potential conversation with a coworker, which was taking place entirely in the mind of AT&T sales associate Joss Goddard, soon became “very realistic, very fast.”

“It started out smooth,” said Goddard, in reference to his daydream. “I just asked her how her day was going and what she was up to later.”

However, despite the completely fictional nature of the conversation he was having with his office crush, Jessie from HR, she politely declined the offer, Goddard confirmed.

“Her quick, fictitious response totally threw me off, so I didn’t really know how to recover,” said Goddard.

The projection of the socially inept employee eventually resorted to making an uncomfortably off-color joke about his coworker Kevin in an attempt to fight off his imaginary rejection.

“What, going to the gay bars with Kevin tonight?” asked the fictional extension of Goddard, who realized immediately that, even in a scenario of his own creation, his attempts at humor were offensive, humorless failures.

Many coworkers eavesdropping from the reconstructed breakroom in Goddard’s mind told reporters that the awkward tension increased to a record high, when, in an attempt to break a particularly uncomfortable silence, Goddard asked Jessie how her dying mother was “holding up.”

With both reimagined coworkers at a loss for words, Joss just “creepily stared at her” in another bout of awkward silence. “I didn’t think I’d get out of there alive,” remarked the fictional Jessie, who mentioned that Joss always tended to make simple, everyday activities extremely uncomfortable.

At press time, fake-Goddard interpreted fake-Jessie’s inability to make eye contact with him throughout the seven-minute fantasy dialogue as a sign that she wanted him to ask her out.

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American Medical Association Advises Ailing Nation to Try Fucking With Stiff Neck Bit Morehttp://www.everythreeweekly.com/american-medical-association-advises-ailing-nation-to-try-fucking-with-stiff-neck-bit-more/ http://www.everythreeweekly.com/american-medical-association-advises-ailing-nation-to-try-fucking-with-stiff-neck-bit-more/#comments Sun, 25 Jan 2015 21:32:47 +0000 http://www.everythreeweekly.com/?p=3998 WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an effort to combat neck pain, one of the nation’s most pervasive work-related ailments, officials at the American Medical Association advised the nation’s more than 32 million sufferers this Thursday to try “fucking with it a bit more” and “see whether that helps at all.”

“The standard approach to neck fatigue calls for a careful combination of physical therapy and ergonomic adjustments,” physician Laura Beckett suggested. “But if it’s really getting to you—and I mean, like, completely unbearable—go ahead and try grasping your neck tightly with both hands, twisting that thing around like a jammed door knob, and see whether that doesn’t fix you right up,” Dr. Beckett continued.

Although previous studies have shown a connection between excessive fucking around with one’s neck and an increased risk of osteoarthritis, stroke and even death, Dr. Beckett suggested that acute neck pain sufferers try “seriously fucking around with that thing” until most sense of feeling in the area subsides.

“Sure, there are the old wives’ tales that say people who excessively twist, crack, torque or generally contort stiff or injured necks may in some cases lead to self-induced cervical paralysis,” Dr. Beckett conceded.

“But let’s all remember who the professionals are here, ok?” Dr. Beckett assured the public.

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