The Every Three Weekly Michigan's Premier Humor Publication, Now Papercut-Free Wed, 22 Apr 2015 02:46:33 +0000 en-US hourly 1 CAPS Hosting Daily Workshops To Help Students Re-Stress Before Finals Wed, 22 Apr 2015 02:46:33 +0000 Citing concerns over student performance on end-of-term examinations, the University’s Counseling and Psychological Services Center announced that it is piloting a program this April that hopes to provide easygoing, carefree students with the boost in anxiety, panic and dread they need to reach their full academic potential on this semester’s final examinations.

“At CAPS, we’ve found that too much rest, relaxation and completely inadequate levels of stress can wreak havoc on a student’s GPA—especially during the final examination period,” said Associate Director Cindy Moynihan. “So, we’re launching these workshops to bring the stress levels of our less anxious students back on par with their overachieving, completely panic-stricken peers.”

By teaching these easygoing, carefree students to ruminate obsessively about their final grades, CAPS hopes to help apathetic, indifferent students get reenergized and re-stressed enough to ace their finals.

Reportedly, CAPS counselors are using a “variety of techniques” to shock and scare Michigan’s most laid-back students into getting their asses in gear.

“For me, just scanning the student’s résumé, belittling their proudest achievements, and demolishing any extant sense of self-worth tends to give them adequate motivation,” said one workshop leader.

“But I’ve found that calling up a student’s gradebook on the projector for all to see is just as effective at rekindling the quiet fits of self-doubt that’ll let them reach their full potential.”

“Ultimately the goal is to make these kids anticipate their finals with such horror and trepidation that they can’t help cooping up in the Ugli all night and outlining every single reading they were way too chilled-out to even skim during the semester,” Moynihan added.

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Excited Schlissel Finds Dead Squirrel Behind Union, Wonders If You’d Like To Poke It With Stick Sat, 11 Apr 2015 20:35:06 +0000 NEAR THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE UNION—Following the discovery of a newly deceased squirrel, University President Mark Schlissel has reportedly been out of the office for several hours examining the carcass.

“During my short time at the University of Michigan, this is definitely the coolest thing I’ve seen yet,” said Schlissel to a group of onlookers, gesturing toward the limp body. “And you know it’s fresh too, since the flies didn’t show up yet”

Schlissel happened upon the dead squirrel while trying to see if he could throw a rock onto the roof. While the university president was able to make a small piece of asphalt hit the third floor window, he lost interest in the rocks upon finding the deceased rodent.

“He’s been running around telling people about it all day. I’ve never seen him like this,” said Schlissel’s secretary Fiona Pierce. “He was pretty psyched when he got to hang out with the custodians all day and see where the garbage goes, but that wasn’t even really close to how excited he looks studying that squirrel.”

After finding that nobody in the Kresge Administration Building had time to “go check out” the dead squirrel with him, Schlissel began seeking out students and faculty to share his discovery with.

“Yeah, it was kind of weird,” said LSA junior Jeff Milkin. “President Schlissel kind of just came up to me, beaming, and asked if I wanted to see something ‘really neat.’ Then he led me behind the Union and showed me a dead squirrel. He said we should find a stick so we could poke it and make sure it’s dead.”

“It was gross, but he seemed so excited, I didn’t have the heart to tell him,” continued Milkin. “It’s cute to see a president who’s learning to love nature in his own way.”

After the initial thrill of discovering a “real, live dead animal” had subsided, Schlissel reportedly began speculating on possible causes for the squirrel’s death.

“His eyes are still open and he still looks really surprised-like. I bet you it fell from there,” said Schlissel, gesturing toward an above power-line. “I bet it was gnawing on the cable and then it was all like ZAP and then he was all WAHH and then he fell down.”

Added Schlissel, “or maybe a predator got it, like a hawk. We should check for clues! Maybe it has talon marks!”

Schlissel reportedly returned to his office several hours later, having lost interest in the now-rotting carcass. However, Schlissel was seen rushing out of his office again after receiving a call from Jim Harbaugh about “a dead possum in the Big House parking lot.”

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$30 Jar of Artisanal Mustard Consigned To Sit In Grandparents’ Cupboard Indefinitely Sat, 11 Apr 2015 20:07:57 +0000 Despite their repeated intentions to use the gift to spice up a variety of vinaigrettes, marinades or glazes, local grandparents Terrence and Ida Adler have yet to find a worthy use for a small jar of premium stone-ground mustard they received last Christmas.

The mustard in question, collecting dust between a canister of Old Bay seasoning and a bag of slivered almonds in the kitchen pantry, was reportedly presented to the Alders by their granddaughter, Violet, along with a Zingerman’s gift certificate. Though thoroughly appreciated at the time, the exotic condiment has since saddled the Adler’s with near constant stress.

“Of course I very much loved the gift,” said Ida Adler. “Violet knows I enjoy cooking, she’s such a sweetheart.”

“But mustard does not really factor into any of my usual dishes, and I wouldn’t dare use it in something as simple as potato salad or deviled eggs—it’s just too nice,” she continued.

Just the thought of the jar of mustard looming menacingly on the kitchen shelf has reportedly sent the Adlers into fits of anxiety over the past few months as they try to make headway on the mustard problem.

“Every time I open the cupboard, I have to remind Ida that we need to test out that mustard,” said Mr. Alder. “But there is a lot of pressure to make something exceptionally fancy when you have such nice ingredients.”

Granddaughter Violet Welch was reportedly surprised to find that the jar remained unopened when she returned home for a weekend visit in March and claimed that she had not intended to give such a “troubling” gift.

“I really didn’t mean to cause them so much distress,” said Welch. “I was just happy to give them the opportunity to try out some of the unique products they can’t get back home in something easy like a pork shoulder rub or maybe a salad dressing.”

As the Adlers confessed, there were “a few meals back in January” that, in hindsight, would have been a “great opportunity” to break out the exorbitantly-priced condiment.

“I made salmon fillets with a garlic lemon aioli a few Sundays ago,” said Mrs. Adler. “As we were eating it, I realized the mustard would have been a great alternative, but obviously it was too late.”

“I would try again, but salmon hasn’t been on sale,” she continued.

At press time, the mustard had been pushed further back in the pantry to make room for a gifted jar of apricot chutney that was likely to face a similar fate.

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It Finally Time For Hawaiian Shirt, Declare Nation’s Dads Sat, 11 Apr 2015 20:01:13 +0000 Noticing the weather this weekend will be “mighty fine,” several area dads have elected to wear Hawaiian shirts, citing the loose-fitting garments as a “sharp but breathable” choice for relaxation indoors and outside.

“Tomorrow seems like a great day to kick back with some cold brewskis and enjoy the warmth, that is, if the Weather Channel isn’t pulling my leg,” said tax accountant and amateur meteorologist Ted Richey. “It looks like a real warm front is moving in. Seems like a perfect day to break out the Grill and throw on something a little more ‘relaxed ft.’”

Another father, Jeb Daniels, was prepared to dress casually tomorrow, suggesting that his favorite Hawaiian shirt would really “jazz the afternoon up.” Sources confirm Daniels is planning on doing yard work and catching some early-season baseball action, and “a breathable flower-patterned shirt would make a nice day even nicer,” he said.

The shirts are reportedly popular among the nation’s dads for their generous fit around the stomach area, along with buttons that offer multiple levels of chest hair presentation.

“Most of the time I like to leave the top two buttons undone,” gesturing to a mass of exposed gray chest hair. “Although if it’s real hot out and I’m feeling ambitious, I might just leave the whole thing undone and let it all hang out.”

“I’m so glad that Casual Friday at the offce coincides with this balmy beaut of a day tomorrow”, reported Michael Arons, a father planning on wearing his vintage hula girl shirt to work tomorrow.

“On top of all that, I get to finally meet [my daughter] Jenny’s boyfriend at our barbecue this evening. I can’t wait to fre up the grill and cook some juicy brats.” Arons continued to iron the sickly yellow Hawaiian shirt, in order “to look presentable tomorrow.” At press time, several expectant fathers were thinking about purchasing a Hawaiian shirt, upon realizing they would likely grow into the look.

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Man Listening to Country Music Finds Self Inexplicably Beginning to Question Veracity of Climate Change Sat, 11 Apr 2015 19:57:32 +0000 In what he has described as an puzzling and troubling turn of events, area man Evan Trainer has found himself beginning to question global warming following an afternoon listening to country music.

Trainer, who describes himself as an otherwise reasonable man, reported he had been listening to country hits on the radio when he suddenly felt a baffling urge to denounce climate change.

“I don’t know what happened,” said Trainer, who in the past has been a staunch advocate in the fight against man-made climate change. “One minute I was listening to George Strait belting about Southern belles and life on the farm, and the next I was beginning to question years of scientific data gathered by some of the world’s foremost climatologists.”

Although distressed by this development, Trainer is still unaware of how tractors, trucks and moonshine are possibly related to his new found disbelief in mankind’s exponentially rising greenhouse gas emissions effect on the ozone layer.

“I don’t know what it was about that sweet Southern drawl, singing about taking your baby down to the river and thanking God for the stars and stripes, but something made me just want to grab a glass of sweet tea and throw it in all those tree-huggers’ faces.”

Trainer expressed remorse at his sudden and uncontrollable thoughts.

“I’m not really sure what’s gotten into me lately,” said Trainer. “Just yesterday my friend commented on how chilly it was, and before I could even think, I responded, ‘Yeah, so much for global warming!’”

Trainer’s friends seemed equally upset by his recent behavior. “Evan! Of all people!” said his coworker Steve Gildman. “I carpool with that guy every week! He drives a Prius!”

Said his girlfriend Tara Pinsky, “He used to chide me for not taking canvas bags to the grocery store, but lately he’s been saying things about ‘the natural cycle of the earth’ and ‘liberal pseudoscience’.”

At press time, atmospheric carbon was continuing to rise well above the habitable threshold for humans, and Evan was reportedly having difficulty accepting the idea that humans could have actually evolved from apes.

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Man Twirling Mustache Probably Suspect In Some Kind Of Train Robbery Sat, 11 Apr 2015 19:51:54 +0000 The attempted murder of a young woman strapped to a local railway last Friday triggered eyewitnesses to suspect a man nearby, who at the time of the incident was twirling his mustache and grinning in a way described later as “sinister.”

Witness Todd Howard, who had been waiting in his Jeep convertible for the train to pass, noticed commotion alongside the tracks.

“At first I just heard the shrieking, a girl’s voice—really shrill and whiny. Then I saw her lying there,” said Howard. “She was tied to the tracks with some sturdy rope and there was this man standing beside her just tooling around with his mustache.”

Continued Howard, “It doesn’t necessarily mean he was responsible, but it sure struck me as odd that he couldn’t keep his fingers out of his facial hair.”

Dressed from head to foot in black silk, the perpetrator allegedly made no move to rescue the victim. “I can’t say for certain that he tied her down, but he was happy in an of-putting way to watch her scream at the oncoming train,” claimed Howard.

“Yeah, I dated a guy with a mustache once, total weirdo. Not necessarily someone I’d peg as a murderer, but hardly normal,” added Sandra Rhymes, a passenger on the train who spotted the man from her window.

“I can’t imagine what kind of person you’d have to be to endanger someone’s life in such a horrific way,” said another visibly troubled witness. “Then again, this guy was carrying pomade solely for use on his upper-lip hair, so you’d at least have to consider him for that reason alone.”

Just as the thundering freight train was reportedly inches from the screaming woman, another man was able to free her using a sword strapped to his belt and cart her out of the train’s path. Said Howard, “I don’t know if I’d call him a hero, but his cowboy hat and beefy forearms nestled in a brown linen, partially buttoned shirt said otherwise.”

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Grandson Inherits Treasured Family Heirloom, Chronic Risk of Heart Disease Sat, 11 Apr 2015 19:48:33 +0000 After a long talk from his father about the object’s significance yesterday, area grandson Casey Dishman inherited his great-great-grandfather’s treasured timepiece along with his increased risk for cardiac arrest, hypertension, and other life threatening coronary related ailments.

Dishman, who is the new proud owner of a prized family possession and will be hospitalized at age 36 with a blocked artery, is planning to store the watch in a display case in his bedroom.

“I’m so happy to be old enough to be trusted with such an old watch,” said the boy who will take far too long to consider an aspirin regimen. “I mean my father has told me all about its history and importance. It really is an honor.”

Proud father Andrew Dishman was also thrilled to pass on the antique, which the Dishman family has had for generations.

“Little Casey is finally old enough to take on these responsibilities,” said the 43-year-old man, whose blood platelets are genetically predisposed to congeal more easily than other men his age. “He’s becoming an adult now, so I think it’s important that he gets in touch with his family’s treasured past.”

“Since my old man passed due to heart complications, I’ve been taking care of the ol’ ticker for decades,” continued the man. “He was a generous man who cared for everyone. I sure hope my son grows up to follow his grandfather’s footsteps.”

Reportedly, Dishman has done everything in his power to fill the shoes of his forefathers, displaying all the charm, generosity and signs of a resting heart murmur that characterized previous generations.

“I try my best to live up to their expectations,” Dishman reported. “But now that I have this watch it already makes me start thinking of how I’m going to raise kids of my own,” reported the 18-year-old, who, in all likelihood, has a good two decades ahead of him.

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First Grade Teacher Fucking Nailed It With Rivers And Streams Unit This Year Sat, 11 Apr 2015 19:46:13 +0000 Hailing this year’s overview of estuaries, tributaries and straits as a slam-fucking-dunk, sources confirmed that local first grade teacher Shelly Caruthers “fucking nailed it” with her rivers and streams unit this semester.

The unit, which Caruthers has taught annually since 2009, was praised by students and colleagues as a particularly rousing and demonstration of names and characteristics of various natural bodies of flowing water.

“Shelly just fucking brought it this year with that lesson on watersheds, brills and brooks,” said co-teacher Mary Ann McLure.

“Plus, she really floored those kids with the transparencies on the water cycle. Just a slam-bang tie-in to April’s unit on clouds,” McLure added.

Caruthers, who recently attended a curriculum development conference upstate, prefers to attribute the unit’s phenomenal success to her students’ hard work and dedication.

“The rivers and streams unit?” said one parent of a student in Caruthers’ first grade class. “From what my little Jason told me, Shelly knocked that shit out of the fucking park. We’re really lucky to have her at Marshall Elementary School.”

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Scientists Claim Humans Not Alone In Universe, Except Dave Sat, 11 Apr 2015 19:43:24 +0000 A report released by NASA this week confirmed that, given the vastness of our universe, much of the scientific community now believes humans may not be alone, except for 31-year-old web designer Dave Clement.

“Essentially, what we’re looking at is a probabilistic argument,” said astrophysicist Michio Kaku. “If we truly consider the vastness of space, the millions of solar systems beyond our own, it seems highly unlikely that humanity is alone in this universe.”

“Oh. Except for Dave. That guy is really alone,” added Kaku, regarding the self-employed introvert, whose pet allergies make even animal companionship impossible.

Scientists have already begun searching for life beyond our solar system, using sophisticated technology such as the Kepler Space telescope. While humanity is closer than ever before to discovering life on other planets, University of Phoenix Graduate Dave Clement has yet to find anything resembling a life.

“What makes the search for alien life fascinating is the variety of possible chemical structures for organic beings,” said biologist Sydney Baker. “These lifeforms could have entirely different systems of reproduction,” unlike Dave Clement, whose romantic prospects are so slim that biological reproduction of any kind would be shocking.

While scientists have yet to find absolute proof of life on other planets, many believe humanity is closer than ever to finding our extraterrestrial neighbors. At least, they say, closer than Dave Clement is to even talking to his neighbors.

“When one considers this vast universe of ours, it’s easy to small and insignificant,” said astronomer Clarice Bergrundl. “Fortunately, none of us are as insignificant as Dave.”

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Michigan Psychedelics Club Hosts Inaugural Meeting on Second Floor Of Arb Mon, 06 Apr 2015 18:08:29 +0000

Predicting that students would come for the free pizza and stay for the transcendent sense of spiritual oneness with the universe, the Michigan Psychedelics Club held a successful inaugural meeting last Thursday on the fabled second floor of the Nichols Arboretum.

Club representatives said the mythical upper floor of the centuries-old, 120-acre nature preserve was the “perfect place” to introduce students to the values of the new organization while unifying a congregation of souls in an unutterably magnificent ascent to the intangible essence of pure being.

“Our mission is simple,” explained Ryan Westman, a club spokesperson. “It is to provide a safe space for curious students to engage in the ego-shattering experience of watching the universe and their relation to it dissolve before their very eyes––and to enjoy pop and pizza provided provided by the Center for the Study of Complex Systems while we’re at it.”

“That’s why we were so excited to book the second floor of the Arb for this first mass meeting,” said Westman. “It’s a great place to draw a crowd, sign some people up to our listerv, and orchestrate a simultaneous flash of cosmic revelation.”

Westman knew the event would be a “huge success,” as dozens of students immediately accepted the club’s event invitation on Facebook and by telekinesis.

“I wasn’t doing anything that afternoon, so I headed up there to grab a slice of pizza and meet some new people. And, hey, the vibe was right, so I stayed to chemically induce the total emancipation my soul from its imprisonment within the confines of modern, post-industrial Western thought,” said one student.

“I wasn’t sure what to expect–these things are always hit-or-miss, but I’m really glad I went,” said another attendee. “I ordered a t-shirt and achieved an unmediated oneness with the universe if there’s time at the end.”

When reached for comment, President Schlissel expressed his regret that he was unable to attend the inaugural meeting due to previously scheduled “diplomatic engagement” in Tijuana, Mexico.

“But I can still buy the t-shirt, right?” Schlissel inquired. “I’m definitely getting one of those fucking shirts.”

At press time, sources within the Michigan Psychedelics Club confirmed that those who had been unable to make the Arboretum event were welcome to attend their second mass meeting in the basement of the Diag.

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