Former Hipster Anemic Due to Lack of Irony

SOMEWHERE YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF — Recovering hipster Ian Hamilton collapsed on the street yesterday, in what doctors believe to be a case of severe irony deficiency. First responders on the scene were able to quickly administer two tracks off of Arcade Fire’s 2001 demo tape to stabilize Hamilton before transferring him to the hipster ICU in a back room of the Blind Pig, where his condition is currently stable.

“The warning signs were all there,” said paramedic Robert Johnson. “His current job requires its employees to wear suits, leaving no room for V-neck shirts, Cosby sweaters, or skinny jeans. Even worse, recent Facebook photos show no signs of sepia tinting or ironic captions. It’s clear his irony levels were just far too low for a man his age. We’re lucky we found him when we did.”

Hipster rehabilitation specialists are currently working with Hamilton to increase his irony levels with an IV drip of Pabst Blue Ribbon infused with 5% Comet coffee and hourly doses of obscure lo-fi bands on vinyl. Hamilton’s therapists say the road to full recovery will be a long one, but they anticipate a return of rudimentary hipster functions, like an affinity for co-op parties and an unnatural lack of disdain for the clothing selection at Ragstock, within the week.

“Ever since he shaved his mustache and started wearing real glasses instead of nonprescription black frames, he has been feeling a bit too genuine,” said Hamilton’s tearful mother Linda. “I should have known something was wrong when he flushed a whole pack of American Spirits down the toilet. I’m just glad he didn’t get himself killed.”

Irony deficiency isn’t the only problem facing many young adults. Former fans of Paramore, Fall Out Boy and the like are now facing dangerously low levels of emoglobin in adulthood, leading to a surge in patients seeking acupunkture therapy.

Originally published: November 2012

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