FOX Adds ‘America’s Next Treasury Secretary’ to Fall Lineup
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following rumors that Timothy Geithner will resign as Secretary of the Treasury following the November election, FOX has announced a new show that will give thousands of Americans a chance at their dream: to be the architect of the world’s largest economy. The search will be conducted “the American way” – through a televised panel-based competition judged by Simon Cowell.
Cowell will be joined by renowned economist Paul Krugman, singer Meat Loaf, and Lady Gaga, on a show that will be aired Tuesdays at 8 as part of FOX’s fall lineup, following So You Think You Can Direct the CIA? and leading into Supreme Court Chief Justice Got Talent. Already, thousands of men and women all over the country are camping out for their chance to shine.
Jamie Fields, a construction worker from Queens, was one of the first to appear before the judges. When asked if he had any experience with economics, he replied, “No, but I read how it’s all going to hell on Yahoo! News and I ran a high school car wash all by myself.” His ideas included “free-mortgage Fridays” and putting “greedy Wall Street banksters in jail.”
Cowell called the performance “the worst thing he’s ever heard” and said that Fields “couldn’t even be a secretary at a stationery store, let alone the U.S. Treasury.” Meat Loaf added that while Fields “had heart,” he wasn’t yet ready to lead the most powerful economy in human history.
Other contestants, however, received praise. “This is my dream. This is what I was born to do,” said conservative economics professor Michael Steinman. Though Steinman initially impressed the judges with his heart-warming rendition of a Bush-era tax-cut plan, he was later eliminated when it was found that in his youth he had submitted photos of himself engaging in a naked short to The Economist, in clear violation of the rules.
Another candidate, waitress Sara Toulane, got three out of four votes and qualified to head into the second round after Lady Gaga embraced her suggestion that the Fed add some extra zeros to all one-dollar bills to help the poor pay for food. “It was just so emotional,” said Gaga, a well-known advocate of aid for the less-fortunate. Even Krugman was struck by the idea, saying, “Well, it sure beats some of the shit Bernanke’s been peddling.”
Originally Published: November 2012