Freshman Dorms to be Powered by Sexual Tension
CAMPUS (ESPECIALLY MARKLEY) – As part of the University’s growing movement to make this campus as environmentally-friendly as possible, U. officials have announced a daring project to fuel all underclass dorms with the electrically-carnal atmosphere that fills the buildings each and every semester.
“Our studies have shown that Michigan’s freshmen produce over 1,000,000 kilowatt-hours of sexual tension each year,” estimated U. physics professor Gottfried Ruudhammer. “However, up until now, this energy has either powered unexplainable erections in anthropology discussions or been lost to the universe as entropy. Once these groundbreaking new modifications are made to freshman residence halls, we will be able to significantly reduce our dependence on fossil fuels.”
The University has tentatively predicted that it will not have all dorms running on erotically-based social awkwardness until 2016, but the administration has already introduced changes that will maximize the power output of the system. For example, the University has already begun phasing out all single-sex hallways, and next year will institute mandatory gender-neutral dorm rooms, bathrooms, and beds. However, high-ranking officials have noted that top-down reforms alone cannot will not ensure the nascent system’s success.
“Students of the University!” exclaimed President Mary Sue Coleman in a recent address. “We need you all to do your part for the community and produce as much sexual tension as possible. We implore you to drunkenly hook up with your hallmates and never talk to them again, we beg you to wear as little clothing as possible when walking about your residence hall, and we beseech you to continue fantasizing about your next-door neighbor, no matter how many times she’s told you that ‘you’re a great friend.’ This University and indeed the planet will thank you for your lustful efforts.”
Despite the great sense of enthusiasm surrounding the upcoming changes, this new energy system has its limitations. For example, it will not be implemented in Betsy Barbour, Helen Newberry, or Martha Cook residence halls, as these all-girl dorms do not manufacture enough tension to operate the system generators, except during the annual tri-hall pillow fight, during which the sweaty girl-on-girl play violence produces a sexually-charged energy field potent enough to power the entire Eastern seaboard.