From the Archives – 1443: Invention of Printing Press Allows for Mass Reproduction of Holy Texts, Naked Wenches
MAINZ, Holy Roman Empire – Area goldsmith Johannes Gutenberg announced last week that his latest invention, which he calls the “printing press,” now enables him to produce thousands of copies of naked lady pictures in a single workday. According to him, this innovation will revolutionize mankind’s abilities to self-gratify.
“You see, with the moveable tit system I invented,” said Gutenberg, “I can adjust the bosom placement of my printing press, allowing me to quickly switch between the bare maidens I intend to reprint.”
Hans Weisenberg, master of hedonism at the University of Würzburg, noted that prior to this invention pornographic images needed to be painted by a neo-classical art master or hand-copied by monks living in monasteries. Weisenberg said that this process could take anywhere from a day to several months.
“Besides,” he added, “they charge extra if you request something special like homoerotic three-ways or a knights-and-knaves roleplay scene.”
Given that now even the raunchiest woodcuts can be reproduced almost instantly, Weisenberg predicts that this innovation will allow greater access to autoerotic-facilitation material among the poor. Gutenberg has even released a booklet of ugly wenches, which he has marketed towards the peasantry with the slogan, “‘Tis like a brothel, but without the syphilis.”
The inventor admits that he initially had used the new device to reproduce bibles, but changed directions after deciding there likely wasn’t a future in the printed word.
“Besides,” said Gutenberg, “there are far more ducats to be made printing wenches in their smallclothes.”