CAMPUS– As the war continues to escalate and countless young men fight valiantly for their country overseas, University of Michigan junior Francis Cartwright, the only male undergraduate at the institution who has not been drafted into military service, reports having no luck with the plethora of single women on campus. Despite the fact that Cartwright’s only male competition is 8,000 miles away on a heavily-mined Pacific beachhead, his status as a “conscientious objector” has repelled American women just as easily as the chlamydia their boyfriends are contracting abroad inevitably will upon their return.

“I figured that with a 1 : 40,000 guy-to-girl ratio in my favor, I’d be able to find at least one dame to go steady with me,” Cartwright explained. “But before I can even talk to a broad, I have to explain why I’m not in Northern Africa fighting for my country. As soon as I tell a girl I’m a pacifist, I lose any chance I had with her.”

Cartwright’s chances with the university’s female populace have been compromised as well by the reputation he has developed. In an age of effusive patriotism, public opinion holds that Cartwright, as well as any other conscientious objector, must either possess Communist ideologies, anti-Semitic rage, or poorly-functioning genitalia. In Cartwright’s case, the consensus holds that all three conditions apply.

“Oh, that Jew-hating, Ruskie Flop-Cock?” LSA sophomore Ellen Partridge commented. “I wouldn’t touch him if he were the last man on campus.”

“He is?” She added. “No matter, I’m willing to experiment with lesbianism for my country.”

Given the unexpected difficulty Cartwright has experienced finding a partner, he has resigned himself to the fact that his standing as an antiwar activist has doomed him to either a life of celibacy or marriage to a Canadian.

“I should’ve just fought abroad.” He mused. “At least then I’d be able to leave a whole bunch of illegitimate children in countries whose names I can’t pronounce.”