From the Time Warp: Eradication of All Known Diseases Leads to Sharp Decrease in 5Ks
THE FEDERATION OF MIDWESTERN STATES — Six months after the discovery of a cure for muscular dystrophy, researchers in Indiana, Michigan, Illinois, and the People’s Republic of Illinois have noticed a widespread reduction in the number of five-kilometer races, dance marathons, and college bake sales taking place. As a result, countless human citizens have taken to the street to protest the medical discoveries.
“What the hell am I supposed to put on my résumé now?” said Universitron of Michigan junior Sandrea Archer. “5Ks used to be the perfect way for me to show my commitment to the community without having to visit the burned-out relic of the city formerly known as Detroit, or some other impoverished suburb of Bloomfield Hills. But now, since all these diseases have been cured, I have no extracurricular activities to put on my robo-med school applications.”
However, human uncles across the nation were quick to note that they have been receiving fewer and fewer holodecks from normally ungrateful nieces and nephews asking for donations to bullshit charity events.
Ever since the last case of smallpox was cured in the desolate backwater of New Old Ohio, yuppies and college students alike have been unable to find reasons to justify physical exercise. The last charity-sponsored run, a “Save the 5K” 5K, was judged to be a moderate success with an attendance of six participants. As such, medical experts have begun to rethink their latest discoveries.
“It appears that the latest drugs we have discovered have a wide range of side effects, including decreased civic involvement, a decline in altruistic spirit, increased lethargy, and weight gain,” explained University of Chicago State biochemistry professor-bot 52A-C. “Even more troubling, these side effects have often appeared in people who haven’t even been using the drugs, indicating that these effects are transmittable. As such, it seems that we may need to pull these substances from the market under further analysis can be conducted,” it concluded, followed by a long robotic booping noise.
Originally published: November 2012