Frieze Building Swears It Only Fell Down The Stairs

Cuts, slashes on historic building "just love marks"

CAMPUS - Friends and family of the Frieze Building have expressed growing concerns that the historic structure has recently fallen victim to abuse from the University.

Reports began swirling last month, when the Frieze showed up to a City Council meeting with several deep cuts and slashes up and down its budget. When pressed, the Frieze removed a canvas dropcloth it was using to hide a bruised sense of campus importance.

But despite these claims of abuse, the Frieze, which claims it has been in a healthy relationship with the University for around fifty years, denies there is anything sinister behind its current string of injuries.

"No, no, of course there's nothing wrong between me and the U. I just fell down some stairs is all," the Frieze said. "Haha, you know me, I'm always so clumsy when I'm fiddling around the house, especially late at night when the U comes home after a heavy night of drinking."

Added the Frieze, "I mean c'mon, what are you guys suggesting? That because I forgot to vacuum first, then dust, that the University hired a massive demolition crew to ravage my facade and interior structures? Don't be silly... hahahaaaaaa."

"The more you poke around about this, the madder the U is going to get, ok? Just let it go, and stop taking pictures of me."

But despite the Frieze's frequent denials of violence, friends and neighbors say that they have heard suspicious noises and sounds of demolition. Members of the neighborhood say they are sure something is up, and insist that she leave the University for good.

"Frieze has needed to leave the U for years now," said the MLB, a Frieze neighbor for several years. "I've sat and watched her really let her facade go. She can't keep explaining away those marks. What'll she say next, that some drama students were over-zealously rehearsing a rendition of Stomp?"

"It's just gotten worse and worse since she started seeing the U, and the only way she's going to save herself is if she finds the courage to leave, because Lord knows my chicken-shit ex-boyfriend Rackham isn't going to do anything about the problem."

Added Rackham, "Blow me, you scraggly bitch."

The Ann Arbor Public School System, an ex-boyfriend to the Frieze, also encouraged her to break up with the University.

"We had some good times, didn't we baby? Remember when I catalogued all your annals for you? You should come back to me, honey, you know who treats you right," AAPS said.

The Ann Arbor Public School System was cut short when he thought he heard The University approaching, at which point he dove through the Frieze building's back window and skulked away through a nearby alley.

The Frieze vehemently denies any rumors that the University will be shacking up with a new North Quad dorm, saying, "College kids just make the U feel old."

Its sallow face brightening briefly, the Frieze added, "I'm here to stay. All our relationship needs is more commitment on my end."

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