Freshman Is The Only Freshman He Knows Who Didn't Waste Freshman Year

CAMPUS - Joe Goeddeke, a pre-law freshman living in Alice Lloyd Hall, recently realized he's had an exceptional freshman year compared to other freshmen he knows because he didn't completely waste it.

"Every other freshman I know either took prerequisites for a concentration they changed their mind about, made friends with people who turned out to be jerks, or got drunk all the time," Goeddeke said, adding, "Sometimes all three, while playing Halo."

"Most of them didn't even give a shit whether the football team won or lost."

Goeddeke wondered why most of these people came to Michigan in the first place when they hadn't the foggiest idea what they wanted out of life.

"Doesn't it cost a lot to come here?" he asked. "I'd hate to waste my and everyone else's time like that."

Goeddeke said that the classes he took freshman year proved that the pre-law path was right for him, and said that he carried through with his resolution to crush his soul "even before high school ended."

"I learned a lot from each of my classes through a consistently deliberate and engaging study of the material," Goeddeke said. "And if I found their curricula insufficient, I pursued the topics I found interesting outside of the classroom by utilizing the University's many libraries and its gifted faculty."

"You'd be surprised how much more information you retain when it's fun to learn," Goeddeke added.

Scott Cackowki, who switched his major from Undeclared LSA to Mathematics with a minor in Teaching, and is now considering General Studies with a minor in Classic Civilizations, looks back on his freshman schedule with shame.

"Look at this - Italian Letter Writing? Intro To Lexiconography? History of Art?" Cackowski said. "Only a fool would hire somebody with this transcript."

"I took a winter term class on banned French literature in the Romance Languages department because it was, like, 20 women to every guy," Cackowski said. "Unfortunately they were all a bunch of carpet munchers."

He added, "All of them."

Goeddeke blames a lot of his wasted time on the newfound cultural obsession with networking, which he argues just ends up making friends into quantities and robbing moments of real meaning.

"You'd be at a party Joe Stranger invited you to on Facebook, walk in past a bunch of sweaty people bleating like sheep, and in the corner would be a skinny guy gulping down beer after beer so he has an excuse to be irritable and boring, take dumbass pictures, or hook up with a stranger."

"At some point, you hope these people grow up."

The pre-law student added that most of the friends he's made at Alice Lloyd have turned out to be genuine, and not insincere New York assholes or prep-school fairies, "though one can never be too sure."

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