Al Gore Announces Plans To Run For His Life

Former Vice President holds dwindling lead in race with grizzly bear

WYOMING - In a hastily worded press conference held over a three hundred yard stretch of forest in Yellowstone National Park, Al Gore announced today that he will be running for his life.

Gore's opponent in the race, a North American grizzly bear, trails the former Vice President, but has been catching up in recent moments.

The decision to run became final when, during a visit to Yellowstone National Park to promote awareness of global warming, Al Gore was approached by a large, angry-looking grizzly bear bounding towards him.

"When I looked into the face of that majestic, All-American Grizzly Bear, it really inspired me," Gore said, "and it was at that moment that I knew for sure that I needed to run for my life."

"I'm in it," Gore added, "and I'm in it to not be killed and devoured by this bear."

Gore says that he plans to run on "not being eaten" as his main platform plank, saying that many Americans will sympathize with the anti-devourment attitude.

Other planks of the platform include diving through some underbrush, scrambling up the side of a ravine, and desperately trying to make it to the park ranger station that lies tantalizingly out of reach on the crest of a nearby ridge.

"Who among us hasn't seen his ability to scramble up the side of a ravine suffer as of late?" Gore quickly asked attendees at a rally among the Appalachian Mountains of Tennessee.

"Wish I could stay!" Gore shouted over his left shoulder.

Political swiping has already begun between the two candidates, with the Grizzly bear ripping a sizeable chunk of Gore's lead from the former Vice President's haunches in a debate held in rural Missouri.

The Gore political team has considered swiping back, but declined to give details in excess of four words long about their plan.

According to Gore, the possibility of running has been a point of discussion with his family. Gore says that his wife, Tipper, was enthusiastic to the point of frenzy when advising him on whether or not to run for his life.

"When I ran for president in 2000, my wife Tipper needed a lot of time to mull it over," Gore said.

"This time though, she was pretty adamant that I enter this race right away. In fact, we didn't really have a conversation, so much as she just shrieked 'FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, AL, RUN!'"

"That kind of enthusiasm really makes me confident. Terrifyingly confident. Also terrified. Mostly terrified, actually."

Gore's campaign promises, which were shouted breathlessly as he mounted the slope of a hill, are to "never go into the fucking woods again," and to "always carry a shotgun wherever I go."

Gore also seems to be courting the religious vote, promising his audiences to "go to church every Sunday if you just get me out of this- God, oh please don't let me die."

Popular political analyst James Carville believes that it will be a tough race for Gore, but that it is ultimately winnable if the former Vice President wants it enough.

"The bear plays well in the sticks, sho now, and Brown Bessie definitely has an advantage in this part of the country," Carville said, referring to the bear's natural ability to quickly traverse rough forest terrain.

"Gore's response time has got to get better. But if Al stays focused and don't make any costly gaffes, say, by tripping over a tree root or something, I think he can still win this thing."

Carville also addressed the question of Gore's weight, which ballooned after his unsuccessful 2000 presidential bid, but has gone down of late.

"Al's dropped a few pounds recently, and that'll really help him in the long run for his life," Carville said. "Also, he may need to be thinner in order to squeeze through an open window to get into that ranger station yonder."

Other commentators wonder whether Gore can get the voters hyped up enough about running for his life to triumph over the bear.

"At this point in the race, a candidate really has to have raised a certain amount of adrenaline if they hope to realistically come out on top. Sometimes a candidate might be very qualified and deserving to win the race, but if they can't raise enough adrenaline they won't stand a chance against more effective adrenaline raisers," said Columbia University political science professor Brett Westnedge.

"It's unfortunate, but that's the way the [central nervous] system works."

While the race is, at the moment, exclusively between former Vice President Al Gore and the grizzly bear, political analysts have not ruled out a dark horse candidate entering the race. Several species of large, carnivorous mountain cats also have expressed interest in running for Gore's life.

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