Ohio State Troops Quietly Withdrawn From Iraq

Defense Secretary Gates admits to finally finding the reason why we're losing over there

AP - The Defense Department has announced a bold plan detailing the withdrawal of 20,000 troops stationed in Iraq, all of whom received degrees from Ohio State University in Columbus before joining the fighting in the Middle East.

The withdrawal effort came into effect shortly after Ohio State, losing to Florida 84-75 in the NCAA college basketball championship, proved once again that they are unable to succeed in the clutch.

"And it's all clutch over there," Defense Secretary Robert Gates said. "Second place is getting dragged through the streets of Fallujah." He added, gnashing his teeth, "And there's no points for second place."

Gates said that for the Buckeyes to get that far in the NCAA tournament only to lose their nerve in the final game is exactly what the United States military doesn't need right now.

"We messed up keeping these Buckeyes around as long as we did," Gates said, adding, "Truthfully, we were hoping more of them would get clipped."

The troops were shipped home in early April and rewelcomed to their families, and have now resumed contributing nothing of worth to society as a whole.

"Look, when we said we were lowering our standards, we meant that we'd be accepting high school dropouts, recovering and current drug addicts, transsexuals, and maybe even the occasional psychopathic serial murderer. We didn't mean we'd be dredging the slop bucket for OSU grads." He added, "I'd sooner pluck dead rats from a vat of rainwater than go through the grueling process of trying to get a urine sample from one of those idiots."

Asked why there was such a disproportionate amount of troops in the military that were Buckeyes, many responded, "Hey, what would you do with a degree from Ohio State?"

Gates also says that the military has briefly reinstituted the draft solely in the city of Gainesville, Florida, and says the military is working quickly to get those drafted in and out of Iraq before exams roll around, citing studies that show "a degree from Florida actually means something, even if that something is that you're an asshole."

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