Apple Launches New iDiot

NEW YORK - Apple developer Steve Jobs announced last week that the hotly-anticipated iDiot - part personal assistant, part musical device, part man-child - will launch in time for the holiday season.

Jobs, whose company's stock is expected to double in value in the wake of iDiot's premiere, excitedly described the new gadget to an audience of programmers gathered in California's Silicon Valley.

"With the iDiot, the busy American consumer never has to feel unsafe or alone," Jobs said, gesturing to the white-bedecked iDiot at gala center stage. "Whatever you want a full-grown, mentally-retarded person dressed all in white who follows you everywhere to do - well, that's what the iDiot can do for you."

"The iDiot goes where you go, does what you do, thinks what you think - but at a slower, more comfortable pace."

Jobs stressed that iDiot was developed in response to criticisms that Apple is feeding on America's manic, insatiable consumer culture.

The iDiot appeared under a banner that featured the slogan, "Slow Down, America."

The iDiot comes factory-sold in white, but options are available for scarlet and grey iDiots.

"We allowed the majority of our customers to vote on what they wanted their iDiots to look like," Jobs said, adding that there would be no upgrades on iDiot.

"The iDiot is complete. He is your assistant, your lover, your friend, your jogging partner, " Jobs described. "Name him, and he will be at your beck and call. I call mine 'Jimmy."

"Jimmy can sing songs, paint pictures - even do simple tasks so I don't have to. Jimmy, will you do the trick I taught you?"

Mere moments later, the crowd watched as the iDiot climbed down center stage, grabbed an unopened wine bottle, and smashed it over a nearby woman's head.

Among those gathered, more than a few murmurs of "genius!" could be heard.

Asked whether the iDiot had a limit on its capacity for storing songs, Jobs replied that the iDiot's ability to remember was boundless.

"Jimmy," Jobs addressed the iDiot, "would you like to sing us one of your songs?"

"Bean sprouts!" the iDiot cried.

Other features of the iDiot include reciting certain parts of William Faulkner's The Sound And The Fury and an opportunity for the iDiot's user to cut to the front of the line at theme parks.

In a related story, Sony has announced it will be pulling productions of its new MP3TARD, after installation of a factory chip caused massive brain damage in hundreds of people whose brains were, well, not working too good in the first place.

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