Coach Rodriguez To Implement New "Spread-Interview" Formation To Set Of Michigan Replay

BIG HOUSE - All of the Ann Arbor cable-access programming world is abuzz with the news that Rich Rodriguez will be implementing his revolutionary "spread-interview" formation to the Michigan Replay set having assumed responsibilities as U-M head coach.

Michigan Replay, a weekly analysis of Wolverine football aired the Sunday morning following a game, has been criticized for growing dated and predictable under Lloyd Carr since its inception in the Bo Schembechler era, when it was standard fare for football interview programs to feature "three tough questions and a cloud of bullshit".

Rodriguez, on the other hand, represents the "new face" of football coaching interviews, having pioneered the spread-interview formation while on the set of West Virginia's weekly cable-access program, Talkin' Ter The Football-Coach On The Ol' Picture-Box.

The spread interview formation features the interviewee lined up roughly 100 feet from the interviewer so as to maximize thinking time in the leather recliner, thus minimizing the opportunity for interviewers to disrupt with a blitz with questions.

"We got the idea from when Nixon started doing interviews with the press across loud, busy highways," said Rodriquez of the spread interview. "Nixon showed us that if you can separate yourself from the defense, you give yourself time to explain away your Appalachian State's and your Watergate's and your inexplicable losses to Pittsburgh in the final game of the season without breaking a sweat."

"The spread-interview formation allows me and my staff to scramble from tough lines of questioning in case our team ends up eating it like Beilein and his crew over in Crisler Arena."

Michigan Replay's host, Jim Brandstatter, says he is excited to see the new changes around the set.

"Things were getting a little stale the past thirteen years or so. I knew what Coach Carr, God bless him, was going to say to each of my questions pretty much before I even asked them," said Brandstatter. "He was going to call a good play 'smart and physical' and a bad play 'unsmart and not physical enough'. Oh, and he was going to call me 'Jake' a lot."

"But with this new spread-interview set-up, I can barely see Coach Rod, let alone interview him. It's all very mysterious."

Brandstatter said it was going to be even more difficult keeping containment on Rodriguez after what he predicts will be a long summer of hot dogs, baked beans, Polish sausage, potato salad, beer, fireworks, and little to no exercise.

"I'm no spring chicken anymore," Brandstatter said, eying a nearby pecan pie.

Not all parts of the old Michigan Replay face an overhaul. As an homage to outgoing Coach Carr, Michigan Replay will keep its glitzy graphics, spare decorations, and Foxy Brown-style theme song.

"I was always a big fan of that song since I first heard it in 1973," Coach Carr said.

When asked what he thought of the Rodriguez's changes to Michigan Replay, Coach Carr remarked, "It's none of my good, smart, physical business."

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