Soiled Urinal Named 2008 Commencement Speaker

CAMPUS - The university announced last week that after careful deliberation, Soiled Urinal #4 in the Mason Hall restroom will be commencement speaker of the Michigan graduating class of 2008.

"We've worked closely with alumni and student representatives on this," said UM Provost Teresa Sullivan. "And we found that Soiled Urinal #4 will best represent this graduating class and inspire them in all their future endeavors."

"We feel that people will recognize by this nomination the manner in which we are willing to take care of our valued students."

The urinal, which received acclaim among students several years ago after holding a homeless man's vomit for over a week, will speak to the heart of the University's tireless efforts to make the class of 2008's commencement a memorable one.

"The school spirit which this Soiled Urinal embodies is unsurpassed by any waste-disposal device on campus," Sullivan remarked. "We want our students to know that if it were up to us, we'd treat them like soiled urinals all the time, and not just at graduation."

"After all, we do care about our students," Sullivan said proudly. Both Sullivan and Vice President of Student Affairs E. Royster Harper have pledged their support of the urinal by personally soiling it themselves, and even defacating on signs which read "Seniors 2008."

"It's taking longer than we expected to smear excrement over every student's name in a class of 6000," said Harper. "It takes a lot of hard work. But then again, we're literally full of shit, and there's plenty to go around."

The Soiled Urinal, which will be unable to attend the event due to its fixedness in the wall of the restroom, will be speaking via tele-conference from Mason Hall.

"We certainly hope that our students understand the lengths to which we will go to assure them that we care wholeheartedly about this class, and that to us, they are all Soiled Urinals." Wiping a tear from her eye, she added, "It just makes me so happy that we have the power to shit over them all. Kind regards."

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