Granholm Praises Michigan's Strong Store-Closing Sign-Holding Job Market

LANSING - Governor Jennifer Granholm gave her annual State of the State speech late last month, guaranteeing an economic rebound after predictions came in that Michigan's already strong store-closing sign-holding job market is set to skyrocket in 2008.

"More of Michigan's workforce is out on the streets advertising liquidations than ever before," Granholm said between bursts of wild cheers and applause. "I intend to keep them out there by making sure more stores close every day."

Store-closing sign-holding, especially popular in areas of urban sprawl, is "an opportunity for Michiganders to make a paycheck and get some fresh air while they're doing so."

"No one can say store-closing sign-holders aren't getting their exercise!" joked Granholm to peals of laughter.

Economic experts following Granholm's speech said the supply of store-closing sign-holders in Michigan is practically inexhaustible.

"Anybody can store-closing sign-hold," promised Greg Banks, professor of economics at Hollingsworth State College. "Young or old, man or woman, smart or dumb, black or white. The ease of store-closing sign-holding means it doesn't matter whether you paid attention in school or fingerbanged Sally Hilgendorfer every day under the bleachers."

Experts hailed Granholm, saying that she aptly criticized the Republican legislature for trying to "specialize" the Michigan economy by investing in job markets that required skills, degrees, and even high-school diplomas.

"Automobile manufacturing required knowledge of engineering and demanded the top minds of yester-generation, and look what happened," Banks said. "Michigan needs a market that it can overload with unemployable trailer trash."

"I'm looking at you, Macomb County."

Though store-closing sign-holding is less of an economic factor in rural areas, Granholm pledged to make sure more stores closed statewide, "so that no town be left unscathed."

"We're going to do our best to make sure liquidation is the only way out for Michigan's economy," Granholm said. "I won't rest until there's a store-closing sign-holder on every corner in every town and city in this state - maybe even in front of the capitol building."

Art Van Furniture, the largest employer of store-closing sign-holders in Michigan, says that keeping a robust store-closing sign-holding workforce has been key to their continued success.

"We've been going out of business for thirty years now, and if it wasn't for many key sales inspired by the promise of low low prices by a store-closing sign-holder, we may never have made it this far," said Shiela Higgins, Art Van publicity manager.

Dissension has already broken out among the old guard of store-closing sign-holders, many of whom face buyouts as a new generation of store-closing sign-holders comes of age.

"If the baby boomer store-closing sign-holders don't retire soon and make room for the new crop, Michigan may face a crisis of too few stores closing and too many store-closing sign-holders," said Banks.

Such a scenario might not only force many successful stores to preemptively close, but also, to reopen simply so that they could reclose, an option Granholm left open in her economic plan.

In a related story, several older store-closing sign-holders have gone on strike in front of their former closing-stores to protest the use of "scabs", touting signs that read "Keep America Closing" and "Must Everything Go?".

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