The Every Three Weekly "How Fucking Sweet Is Your Collegiate Relationship?" Valentine's Quiz

1. How long have you been dating your boy/girlfriend?

A. More than one year
B. Since we met outside of Rick’s last weekend
C. Less than one year
D. Since Wrestlemania XIII

2. What metaphor best describes your relationship?

A. Two trains passing in the night
B. A cancelled TV sitcom
C. A large tub of Vaseline
D. The film, “There Will Be Blood”

3. Your idea of a perfect first date is:

A. Dinner, a movie and a blowjob
B. A rickshaw ride in the diag followed by heavy petting
C. Weed. Lots of weed.
D. Getting meatballed in a Haven Hall bathroom

4. How much money do you spend weekly on your relationship?

A. $100
B. My love is free to all
C. I am on welfare
D. $20 for the nipple clamps, $40 for the car battery, $550 hospital bill

5. Would you take a bullet in the chest for your girl/boyfriend?

A. No
B. Fuck no.
C. Hell no.
D. If someone filmed it.

6. Valentines Day is a celebration of:

A. Holding hands
B. Capitalism and consumerism.
C. Weed. Lots of weed.
D. Maybe having anal sex?

If you answered mostly

A’s: Your relationship is cold, stale and passionless; much like cold pizza. You need to add some spice to your love life. Consider dumping your boy/girlfriend and looking for a new one. Maybe someone thinner and smarter. Just a suggestion.

B’s: You’re not really sure what’s going on, do you? You may be in a pseudo-relationship, one where you think you’re dating, but the other person doesn’t actually think so. Perhaps write out a contract that spells out the terms and conditions of the situation. If all else fails, use roofies.

C’s: Although slightly fucked up, your relationship has all of the elements to last you at least until the middle of next year. Your strong communication and general compassion for each other will continue until you have an affair.

D’s: Your relationship is based mostly around hot, lusty animal sex. That’s totally fine.

A List: Things She Really Doesn't Want for Valentines Day

A Still Beating Orphan Heart
Paste Flavored Men's Edible Underwear
KY Lipstick

The Book "Necrophilia for Beginners"

Tickets to "No Country For Old Men"
A Poem about "Her Fuckin' Rockin' Bod"
BBQ Sauce

That Bad Painting You Did While High

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