Dave Suddenly Really into Lost

CAMPUS - Housemates of Dave’s 1412 Geddes pad are expressing serious concerns that, after renting the first few seasons of Lost from the media library, Dave has left his bedroom only to eat, rant about various Lost plot points, and make cryptic predictions about “the future”.

“It was Dave’s idea to watch the show and see if it was as gay as we thought it was, and I assumed we were all gonna desecrate it together in some funny way,” Dave’ s friend observed. “But we lost contact with Dave three Mondays ago, and he’s been in his room watching episode after episode since. I don’t think he’s gone to class or even been outside.”

“We’re afraid the Dave situation might be compromised.”

The sounds emanating from Dave’s room can only be described as “unsettling”.

“There’s a noise like an alien ship making a landing about every 42 minutes, followed by the sounds of Dave gasping, the wind, machine poundings, gunshots, whispers, and a lot of different people yelling,” reports another source. “Needless to say, we have no way of knowing whether Dave needs help in there.”

Dave, who had resisted obsessively view- ing box sets of Alias, The OC, 24, Arrested Development, and The Office throughout his college career, couldn’t avoid becoming more and more caught up in Lost’s enigmatic plot lines and emotional cliffhangers.

“Dave is not one of those guys that normally keeps to himself, but he’s been acting pretty strange since hanging out with that Brandon Gudger kid last month,” a source concerned with Dave reported.

Gudger, a local stoner, denies being a negative influence on Dave’s behavior.

“Have you even seen Lost?” Gudger asked unpleasantly.

In addition, mysterious violet-colored smoke appeared recently coming from underneath Dave’s door, and the roommates fear it’s some sort of sign Dave’s gotten into the Haze.

“He came out of his bunker once early in season one raving about how Jack and Kate should just get it together and have sex already, and that seemed to make logical sense,” said one source close to the Dave initiative. “But lately he’s been on and on about Whitmore owning some guy’s diary, a time difference on the island, and the meaning behind all the polar bears.”

“Communications have completely broken down with the Dave camp.”

Attempts to contact Dave for an interview were equally fruitless, as Dave has adopted a form of speaking in deliberately intense, vague, yet thought-provoking parables.

“Maybe sometimes, things happen in our lives for reasons we can’t comprehend,” Dave said, his eyes dancing in the light of his desk lamp. “Maybe we’re not supposed to know what the universe has in store for us until it happens. I know there are Others out there, like me, who don’t want to stop pressing the Play All button.”

Dave, normally thrifty with his money, has even ignored the fact that the DVD’s are several days overdue.

“It’s five dollars a day for 16 DVD’s over a three week period,” said the friend, who asked to remain anonymous. “My estimate is that Dave owes the Askwith library about 1700 dollars.”

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