Explosion At Ann Arbor Public Library Tragically Claims The Lives Of 26 Crack Addicts

DOWNTOWN - An errant gas leak and an ill-timed cigarette caused an explosion last week that destroyed the top two floors of the Ann Arbor Public Library and cost 26 crack addicts their lives, DPS is reporting.

The explosion, which occurred at 1:35 PM Tuesday, caused damage estimated at upwards of 2.2 million dollars in construction, materials, and assorted crack paraphernalia, and has left many of the city’s homeless homeless.

“The library was a place Ann Arbor’s poor, unfortunate souls could come warm their hands and feet, exchange bawdy tales, and traffic drugs in peace,” head Librarian John Graves said. “This disaster has effectively kicked the survivors to the curb outside Diag Party Shoppe.”

“Oh, and some books were damaged too, I think,” he added.

The Ann Arbor community has come out in support of rebuilding the library and dedicating a part of it to those fallen and drug-addled.

“We were very fortunate that there were no actual readers in the library at the time of the explosion,” Mayor John Hieftje said in a public statement. “And most of the AAPL’s volunteers were huddled safely behind their desks in fear that one of the crack addicts would approach them with an offer for illicit sex, so they survived, too.”

“But think: if those 26 crack addicts had chosen a different bathroom to freebase or babble to themselves, they might still be alive today,” Hieftje said, wiping a tear from his eye.

Hieftje said this was the worst loss of life since a petroleum delivery truck turned over at the corner of Liberty and South Division, dumping crude oil all over the megafauna of Hobo Park.

DPS has no suspects.

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