Genetically-Modified Apple Totally Harmless, Says Satan

Sources at a local Meijer have confirmed that Satan recently ascended from the depths of hell in order to tempt human beings with irresistible genetically-modified fruit.

“Hey, anyone interested in some bright, shiny, totally not-unhealthy fruit with absolutely no negative consequences for human beings whatsoever?” asked Satan while standing in front of the non-organic produce section.

“Yes sir, these beauties will most certainly not lead to centuries of toil, disease, and the possible possible destruction of the entire human race. Everyone’s talking about how GMOs are the future, so what long-term danger could they possibly create?”

Thus far, shoppers have not responded well to Satan’s enthusiastic sales pitch. “I don’t know, there’s just something a little disturbing about people going in and messing with the DNA of something I’m going to put in my mouth,” said Ted Simmons, a frequent Meijer shopper. “Plus, there’s something a little off about that guy. I don’t know if it’s the inverted pentagram carved into his chest or the necklace made of children’s teeth, but he’s kind of giving me the creeps,” Simmons said.

At press time, Satan was growing increasingly desperate to pass off his goods, and was heard shouting, “Come on, guys, this shit is 50% off! That’s gotta mean something in this economy, doesn’t it?”

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