George R. R. Martin Planning to Kill Self Off Before Completing ‘Game of Thrones’

A SMALL STUDIO APARTMENT, EAST WESTEROS – Sources close to the acclaimed writer George R. R. Martin, author of the famous Song of Fire and Ice series, which includes the novels A Game of Thrones, A Clash of Kings, and A Gangbang of Sequels, report that Martin may purposefully cause his own death before he can complete the final books of the heptalogy. Although many Game of Thrones fans have grown worried over the rumor, a number of literary critics believe the move would be “a stroke of genius.”

“Martin has already shown that he’s willing to break the standard conventions of fantasy popular fiction by dragging readers down an unpredictable path and disposing of integral characters in a few off-hand sentences,” said New York Review of Books contributor Harold Blanche. “Really the only fitting ending is for him to die himself before finishing the whole thing.”

However, many casual fans were much less excited by the news, including Todd Sheehey, who said, “I don’t want to see a fantastic debut novel turn into a muddled and confusing series without a satisfying ending.”

“We already got that with Harry Potter,” he said.

At the moment, possible spoilers about Martin’s upcoming death are sparse, but one close friend of the author revealed that Martin may be planning to have himself simultaneously shot in the phallus with a crossbow while being thrown off the roof of a brothel, only to have himself resurrected by powers unknown just in time to be eaten by a direwolf that will then be eaten by an Other, which will in turn be devoured by a dragon.

Alternatively, Martin may just succumb to a bad case of the flu.

Originally published: February 2013

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