EAST U. – Despite her best efforts at conspicuous nonchalance, L.S.A. junior Leah Fellows failed to garner enough attention from former flame Paul McDermott to make him realize how casually she was ignoring him at a campus house party last Saturday.

The pair, who parted almost amicably more than a year prior, have been on non-speaking terms for almost six months, following Fellows’ discovery that McDermott had spread some unflattering rumors about her immediately after the break-up. Unfortunately for Fellows, this snubbing has had absolutely no effect on McDermott, due to his failure to notice or care that the two are no longer in communication.

As a result of this indifference, the emotions that could have at one time culminated in a dramatic confrontational display have instead been tempered into acts of cold, bitter passive aggression, embarrassing almost everyone involved.

Throughout the course of the evening, Fellows pulled out all the stops to make McDermott notice that she was ignoring him, desperate to prove how little she cared that they were both in the same cramped twelve-by-twelve kitchen. Strategies included hair-touching, laughing way too loudly at other people’s jokes, and waving at people standing behind McDermott so that he would think she was waving at him and then later be embarrassed when she gave him the cold shoulder. None of these methods proved successful.

Fellows eventually left the party with her group of friends, complaining that McDermott hadn’t noticed that seeing him had had no effect on her and that she was carrying on with her life happier than ever.

Later upon questioning, McDermott regretfully admitted that he hadn’t seen Leah but that he hopes she’s doing well, since it’s been awhile since they last spoke.