Have a Good Christmas, Grandma, Because Next Year We’re Putting You in a Home

By Alice Rohrman, LSA Junior

Grandma, I have so many fond memories growing up with you, especially around this time of the year: making snowmen, decorating the tree…heck, you’re the one who taught me how to properly hang a stocking! But there comes a certain point in every person’s life where they need to discard even their most cherished relatives.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that we don’t love you. You’re our nana! Our granny! Our gam-gam! It’s just that, well, you’re a lot more of a burden than we anticipated. Remember when Dad got us that little Yorkie puppy and had to give it away because we were tired of constantly having to feed it and walk it? It’s kinda like that, except the Yorkie was house-trained.

Not that it’s your fault. A lot of it just has to do with your health issues – although, honestly, diabetes is called a preventable disease for a reason. Cutting back on all those sugar cookies you made over the years certainly wouldn’t have hurt. And the constant reruns of Wheel of Fortune probably didn’t help either. Speaking of which, how did you even figure out how to work the DVR?? I’m sorry, I’m getting off topic – we love you.

Don’t worry though, the place we picked out for you is great. We even made sure, per your xenophobic rants, that there aren’t any Turks working there. I think one of the nurses was black, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

The staff hasn’t even had a single charge of elder abuse brought against them in almost 10 years. Do you know how rare that is? No need to thank us, we wouldn’t settle for anything less for you. They even have a swimming pool! I’m not sure how that’ll work, given the whole wheelchair thing and all, but we’ll figure it out.

And come on, it’s not like we won’t ever visit you. Why, we’ll make our way down to see you two, maybe three times a year! And I guarantee that those half-hour visits, full of awkward silences and strained smiles, will be the highlight of your day, the most treasured moments of your golden years.

So pass the green-bean casserole Grandma, and cheer up! This’ll only be a temporary situation anyway. In all likelihood, it’ll only be a few years before you…well, you know.

Merry Christmas!

Originally Published: December 2012

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