By: A Male Gynecologist

Hailey, I completely understand that you feel that a healthy relationship between a man and his wife should include a steady diet of sexual intercourse, but if you don’t mind, darling, I’d rather leave my work at the office. I know you think waiting blindfolded and tied to the bed for me to get home is a turn-on, but seriously, baby, put that away. Why don’t you put on something nice – like gratuitous amounts of clothing – while I wash the day’s sights and smells away with a hot shower.

No, babe, I don’t want you to join me. I’m not kidding, I really don’t want to see your vagina, or any other hooha for that matter. Do you think that funeral home directors enjoy chatting about death over dinner? Or that mechanics like to go home and work on their own car all night? Well just like them, I have no interest in flushing your oil pan tonight. For God’s sake, Hailey, I’d just like to have 12 vagina-free hours for once in my life.

Sure, there was a time when I couldn’t get enough of your snatch. But right now, I’ve looked at one too many pussies.

Cheating on you? Baby, that’s the last thing I want to do. Truly, I’d rather die than sleep with a woman. You may think I have every guy’s dream job, but rest assured, it’s not all peaches and cream. I spend all day holed up in that office with vaginas of all shapes, smells, and fungal infections – so I hope you can understand why sight of you right now makes me want to go blind.

Aw baby, please don’t cry. Listen, if it’ll make you happy, I can push your pap exam up a couple months and give that clam some professional attention. How does that sound? Tomorrow morning? My schedule’s tight, but there may be an opening.