I May Be Supreme Overlord of Syria, But the Real Challenge is Raising Three Rambunctious Preteens

By Bashar al-Assad

Don’t get me wrong: it’s not easy being the cruel, sadistic leader of a country ravaged by civil war. The demanding hours, the high- pressure meetings, the constant, blood-curdling screams of innocent men, women, and children being slaughtered on my orders outside of my mansion…. it’s enough to give anyone a headache! But none of that—none of that—compares to the difficulty of being a father.

Take the other day, for example. I had just gotten home from a long day of plotting the wanton destruction of all supporters of the Arab Spring and their families, and I wanted nothing more than to sit back on my leather recliner, smoke my pipe, and read the paper in peace.

Fat chance of that happening! The minute I walked in the door, it was nothing but a whirlwind of tears, shouting, and name-calling. By the time I got there, Karim was threatening to shoot his brother and sister in the knees and capture them as political prisoners. I swear, I don’t know where these kids get it!

Needless to say, I sometimes have to dole out some serious discipline. In some ways, my role as President of Syria has helped me prepare in this regard; for example, withholding proper medical supplies to the

citizens of my country really made it easier to send Hafez to bed without dessert after he broke his mother’s favorite vase.

The fighting, disobedience, and general naughtiness of my kids can be annoying for sure. But most of all, it makes me worry about their futures. I want them to grow up to be hardworking, responsible, and overall good people. The kind of people who have the moral fortitude to know when and when not to bombard the living shit out of their own citizens with chemical weapons.

Even though it’s a constant struggle of teaching right and wrong, I like to think they’re on their way to becoming upstanding global citizens. When I walk into Zein’s room at night and see her smiling serenely, I could swear she’s dreaming about executing anyone who dares to document the atrocities occurring in Syria on a daily basis.

Overall, I can only hope that my kids will think of me the way I know my citizens think of me: tough, but fair, and dedicated to doing what’s best for them in the long run. And if committing a few crimes against humanity to get there is wrong, then hell, I don’t know if I want to be right.

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